if i am

On growing up....Mending the brokeness

2011-12-24T22:38:00.001-05:00

Is it just me or does every Christmas season as you get older start to lose its magic?
Why I remember How insanely whimsical our house used to be. The stairs were spilled over with yards of garlands and tiny porcelain villages. We had our two front light up soldiers all the way from staten island standing guard at our front door, all while inside the house smelled of fresh Christmas trees and baked cookies. It was always a hallmark type of Christmas.

But as the years go by, the magic starts to dwindle. Parents get tired of cleaning up after pine needles, presents are too stressful to stay surprises, and waiting up for Santa was never quite the same, especially when college taught you these great things called "all nighters" which made te effort much less sacrificial, and midnight all too common.

Is it just the sign of the times when the same hands you used years ago to happily tear up wrapped presents become the same hands that pack up moving boxes on your foreclosed home. Or is it just the duties of growing up when Christmas is just another day visiting at the reab center or just another day where you use all your energy to get by.

Is this what just happens? And if it is, why did no one warn me? And why did no one tell me that it would happen so fast?

Only a few years ago the thought of your own parents getting sick was inconceivable, it's something that happens when you're way older than now. But in the past few years I've seen too many sons and daughters bury their parents and spend weeks at the hospital at my age.

When did this happen? Where is that buffer between magic and reality that we so desperatly need?I feel like in a season of warmth and happiness I can't help but feel broken. Literally ( with this broken arm) and mentally with broken sprits as reality bites you hard everyday with the tasks it asks you to do.While I feel and see so much brokenness in my family and my friends all around me, a cant help but sense some sort of peace.

Yes it may be true that our home has not one single Christmas decoration out, and not one present was bought this year, despite the lack of Christmas cheer, I felt that I've grown so much closer to my family throughout all this turmoil. That no longer does the fact that not having the right present stress me out, just seeing my dad light up when I walk in the room is infinitely better than finding the right tie.

It seems that in this brokenness, if you allow it, God can come and fill in these cracks and work his way in you. It is in these times of brokenness you can either allow Him to come fill you up, or allow the world to get under our skin and harden your soul.

Yes this year you might have failed at that position or job, yes you might have been a terrible parent or sibling to One another. You can allow bitterness and anger to seep into your brokenness and curate you into stones that sink in rivers, or you can let the light of His glory come fill you up into something beautiful, a vessel of something greater.

There is a small and seemingly insignificant line in a poem by Rumi. It says

"look at this cup! It can hold the ocean"

To me that is one of the most beautiful lines I've laid my eyes on. Imagine you're at a beach, dipping down into the water with a single cup. You look inside that cup, at the foamy water within and realize that this water IS the ocean, and here this tiny cup can contain something so great.If this tiny cup has the ability to hold oceans, how much greater are the things that you can carry within yourself.

It is how you let the Creator curate your soul that determines that greatness.

It is allowing Him to work in your times of trouble, not ignoring him in your times of blessings.

As I sit here typing with one arm in a seemingly empty home. I am content and at peace with the hidden blessings in my life. That this home as a greater potential than making it to the cover of a Christmas catalog. That it as the potential to be the home to a family, grown closer in trials, and rooted in love.

I pray that you and yours find that same peace this holiday season. That in your times of abundant blessings you thank Him, and in your time of brokenness that you allow Him to come fill you up.

the nine-toed kansanite

2011-12-04T20:13:00.001-05:00

Today at church the priest told a very colorful and interesting story.

On his way to a mission trip he had to drive through the barren wasteland known as Kansas. Having driven through there myself, I could relate to his pain.

On this long road of cornfields and soybean fields he finally came across a gas station, nothing fancy, Just a one pump sort of station with a simple "gas" sign hung above.Having been bored this entire trip he went in the store where he proceeded to overhear a conversation between the big haired store clerk and her shirtless "made in 'merica" boyfriend.

They were trying to tell stories to gross each other out. The pinnacle of the stories which included such things as a rouge glass eyeballs and such was the boyfriends story how he walked with a limp...because he was born with nine toes....on one foot......

Needless to say the priest had his fare share of entertainment to accompany him on the rest of the drive.However, soon pulling out of the station he heard a terrible sound coming from his car. He looked under the car, at the tires, everything and could not figure out what was causing the noise.

He soon found out however, when he rounded the car and saw that he had driven off with the gas pump still in the car...."how??" he asked "how is it that in a gas station, where all the signs are clearly marked with instructions on the task at hand, how is it that he drove off with the hose still in the car?"

He was distracted by the nine-toed Kansas boyfriend.

In our lives, how often do we go to church. Sit in a house clearly marked with the writings on our heart. With the declaration as clear as a "gas" sign in a one-pump town that our Lord is our savior, that he is the life we live for.

How often do we find ourselves distracted by a nine-toed kansanite?

These past few days have been filled with such distractions for me. With my parents being in a car accident, and my father having his spinal injury and surgery, there has been plenty of things to keep me distracted.

At the same time there are immeasurable amounts of blessings that have appeared in the same timeframe.

Where there is hurt, I found love. Where there is hopelessness I found faithfulness. Where there is pain and suffering, I found strength and courage.

God, it is so easy to border hatred and bitterness in these situations. It's so easy for the nine-toed distractions to rule over our spirits and distract us from our relationship with God.

It does't have to take a car accident to distract you. It could be your boyfriend or girlfriend, it could be your job or "recreational" activity. It could be the everyday frustration of rush hour traffic or socks without elastic that keep falling down your shoe.

It could be that dumb grudge with a friend, or the worry of finding your next soulmate in the dark corner of another bar. It could be the guilt of sin from that last relationship or fight you just had.

So many thing in our lives distract us from the one we Love, even though the One who Loves us is pouring out blessings each and every moment in our lives.

Things like a successful spinal surgery, things like getting the right doctors and facility. Things like family, and notes from loved ones.

Even little things like kindness of a stranger, the lady at church remembering your name. The touch of a loved one when you need comforting, the wireless Internet that allows you to take care of everything while still being with the ones you love.

Little blessings like the meal you just ate, or the shoes you have, even the socks with no elastic can be a blessing in disguise.So many things can distract us from our Walk. But so many blessings can steer us back.

Jesus, a man who is a God, could have done anything he wanted. He could have made us into beings to serve and love him without choice like robots. He could have made a land abundant with gold and riches just for him. Instead he chose to have a body with limitations, a human form that is prone to temptations and distractions.

But he had one task. To follow God's will, and he did so to the very end.

Paul's Thorn

2011-10-13T02:07:00.001-04:00

little moments
moments of quiet
moments of insignificance
moments of passing thoughts

those are the moments that God moves mountains in.

deep talks in small coffee shops
the finding of lost diamonds
one line in a song that can touch you in a single note

these are little moments that you can hear Him working if you align your heart in the right direction.

but what of those big things, what of those elephants in the room,
those hurricanes in your soul.

that one big breakup
that job layoff
the sick loved one.

where the hell am I supposed to find God in that.

The fact that my father can't even speak to me
how can I be happy with God about that.

How can I praise Him,
when knowing that he allowed that to happen?

A little moment like forgetting your guitar
lead to a big moment tonight about understanding healing.

There are times when I think I know it all
or at least I have gotten very good at pretending at it.
I think I know how God's going to work this out
I pretend at knowing exactly what his plan is
because I am that "awesome" of a believer.

How quickly He humbles me
how fast he gives me thorns.

Paul was taken up to heaven and revealed wondrous things, an "abundance of revelations"

When he returned however, he was given a "thorn in the flesh"

"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong"

-2 Corinthians 12:7-10

A messenger of Satan
those thorns in my life
are a messenger of Satan

sounds like such a Bible belt sort of phrase doesn't it?
but all my thorns
my weaknesses in the flesh
my father's sickness
all the things that keep me from God
are the same things that keep me humble, that remind me of my humanity
they are the same things that drive me ever closer to Him.

The fact that God doesn't just take away these things in my life
but uses them so that I rely more on Him
So that I may boast in the thorns of my flesh.

Also the fact that I can't even begin to know how to glorify these thorns in my life is a scary thought.
Getting my father's voice back won't be the healing I need in my heart,
its in the reliance of His Love and greatness, even in the most darkest of moments,
its in the understanding of His perfect plan is when everything seems like a cluster cuss.
its in the stillness you find in the chaos, a moth in a hurricane.

there is where the healing lies.
i have so many thorns
and so little understanding

the only way i'm going to get through through all of this
is entirely in God's hands.

God come heal me.
Help me understand my thorns.

Seeking the Moth in the Hurricane

2011-09-04T00:33:00.001-04:00

I'm looking for voices all around me
trying to figure out the ways in which God will speak to me.
I think, she has the voice of a friend who knows me well
he has the tongue of a new friendship rooted in Christ
written words on the screen typed by hands of strong faith.
All these voices, thoughts, and opinions spin around me in a windstorm
a chaos of truth and love, all in which I am seeking to find the One voice I need to hear.
A moth in a hurricane.

Then I think to myself,
why do I have to run into this storm to seek my peace?
why can't I hear him directly?
Maybe because I need a loudspeaker and a siren to hear
destroying the small violent beating of wings that speaks to me daily.

I feel like I have no control, like my future rides on other's dreams
so many other circumstances
I feel powerless to overcome them all.
I'm exhausted at the thought of failure.

I'm longing for a shelter that I feel at home in
I'm seeking people who can comfort me
I'm hoping for a job that will satisfy me
I try daily to build this persona of stability, of strength and purpose
all while my walls are crumbling down on the inside
castles made of sand.

But all the while I long, seek, and hope in all the wrong places.
As much as God works through these vessels around me
I fail to speak to Him directly
as if His words would split my world apart.

As much as I speak about the unknown,
as much as I talk about a desire to drop everything and (literally) sail away in a tall ship
I fear that all this energy I've used to build this life of mine will go to waste
that by splitting my already broken world apart
He will literally wipe me clean of who I thought I was.

and that is terrifying.

Maybe this is when Spirit lines come in handy.

I think I just need to find comfort in the fact that
no matter where I end up, any dark place I may find myself in
that there's a Light inside of me somewhere,
keeping me safe and guiding me home.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29: 11-13)

Lost Diamond, found Hope.

2011-06-27T16:00:00.000-04:00

My mother’s incredible story of hope lost and found.

After my parents escaped Vietnam, they lived in Guam for about 6 years. During that time many refugees went through Guam before they were dispersed throughout the world.

My mother and her best friend came along a woman who had escaped a few months earlier, and had some gambling and debt problems. She was selling all of her belongings to try and get to America, among one of her possessions was a set of diamond earrings.

They bought the set from this woman and split up the pair. My mother went on to design and create her own necklace on which the solitaire would sit.

I know that it’s nearly impossible to remember anything from when you were a child, but one of my memories that I think has been subconsciously been in my mind is of this necklace. When my mother would hold me close I would remember putting my eye up as close as I could to the diamond, until my lashes reached around and touched the skin on her chest, and stare into its facets.

I remember the light refracting off of it, and the colors of the world in a single piece of stone, and that stone being on my mother.

Well about 7 or 8 years ago my mother lost this necklace. We had been remodeling our kitchen and she had taken it off at some point, we were sure that one of the workers had taken it. We searched every trash can, every nook and crevice for it, but it had been lost forever, so we thought.

She was heartbroken. Material wise, other than her engagement ring, it was one of her most prized possessions. It had been through so much with her, and to lose it meant to lose a part of her.

My father somehow this past weekend found a diamond while cleaning the kitchen. It was in some sort of setting, but obviously had been broken off of whatever it was sitting in.

Immediately looking at it I knew what it was that I saw. The cut was undeniable, and as I held it up to my eye as close as I did many years ago, I knew it was it, I knew it had been waiting there all along. But we had to make sure, so she took it to the jewelers today.

My mother just called me, shaking with tears of joy after coming back from the jewelers, they said it was indeed real, and the value that they appraised it at was about what it was worth. She was so happy, I’ve never heard her this excited, not since before my daddy got sick. It was not the fact that she found something that was valuable, she was crying because she found hope.

She explained to me that she always knew that she was born under a lucky star, and I believe it from what she’s gone through in her life. She had always said that I was born under that same star, that I have some sort of “luck line” on my palm that is very rare.

She said to me, “if this diamond can come back to me, after all these years, after so much that has happend, then I have hope finally that one day your Father will get his voice back, this gives me that hope.”

What impeccable timing He has.

What wondrous ways He works in.

Life Spirit Lines

2011-04-14T17:42:00.002-04:00

In Navajo culture, when weaving a traditional rug, the weaver leaves a “Spirit Line” or “Weaver’s Pathway” into the rug.

It was associated with the belief that the weaver’s energy and spirit were woven into the textile, and the spirit line was a way for the energy to escape and carry on to other work.

I hope in my experiences I have left myself some spirit lines. To put so much energy into school, work, relationships, everything, just to trap myself in the past and confined in a single moment would be a tragedy.

I hope that everyone learns to create beautiful things in some way in their life, and that they find their own “spirit line” to learn from their experiences and carry on. Never forgetting what you’ve created and experienced, but also never being held back by what you have done.

Hello

2011-03-10T00:22:00.000-05:00

it's been a while.

Insignificant

2010-10-25T10:31:00.000-04:00

For my life a Lamb was slain
for His glory creation forever displayed
in every sunset, star, and sky
for me, insignificant one, he chose to die.

For in the eternity of existence
nothing we do will be persistant
the hope of our endeavors will not remain
and our hope of forever will end in vain.

Love is not a trendy thing, it's eternal.

2010-01-25T23:01:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how nowadays you can just text donations straight from your phone to help those in need. Seeing others come together in a way that everyday events can't fathom, it is sad to see that it takes tragedies such as 9.11 and the earthquake in Haiti to warm the genrous hearts of the world.

But what happens when the dust settles and the media leaves?

What happens when the next new disaster comes, and all eyes go to that.
What happened with New Orleans? What happened with Indonesia?

It seems we get distracted daily by "the next big thing" and I am not immune to that.

Habitat for Humanity is not a trend in Haiti. They've been there for 26 years, and will be there long after the rescue workers leave, well, only if they have the funds to do so.

It is right and just to see donations go towards the Red Cross to alleviate the needs at the moment. But I hope that such organizations like Habitat can get donations in the long run to sustain the longest and most expensive part.

I would love for you to take the time to donate to Habitat to help with the disaster relief in Haiti.

I have everything I could ever ask for. I wish the generous roof over my head could help shelter those in tents and on the streets of Haiti, but unfortunately it cannot. All I can do is help rally for the cause and hope to inspire those to give what they can.

I believe in what Habitat can do and has done. And I believe with your help we can bring good to those in need, now and in the future.

Please click here to donate for my birthday. To help raise this money with the help of my loved ones would be the greatest gift I could ask for.

Thank you so much, and God Bless.

xoxx,
Stephanie

I'm an uninspired whale.

2010-01-21T23:35:00.001-05:00

If Atlanta was a fish bowl, I have become a whale...

It has been increasingly clear how badly I need to get out of this town.

I have amazing friends, an undeserving house to live in, a very well paying job with a raise and a bonus for the new year while everyone else is getting paycuts. I know exactly where all my favorite bars and clubs are. All the shortcuts of this horribly planned city is mapped out so I know exactly where I am. Where all the nooks of the city lie, and where to find my favorite cupcake.

So why would I want to leave? Everything's perfect and where I need it to be. Everything is just fine. What's the problem with being fine?

I feel as though the world has moved beneath my feet and I am standing still.

Because if I don't make a change soon, I'm going to do nothing great. Simple as that.

I'm going to keep going to those same bars, drive the same streets, and never get lost again. I'm sad to always know where I am now. I am sad to have the same routine, void of inspiration and endeavor every day.

Beautiful things happen when you get lost. That's when you discover things. Things about the world around you, and most importantly things about yourself. If I know where everything is, and how it's all supposed to be, where's the adventure?

Everyone around me seems to know exactly where they want to be, and it seems as though they've already arrived at some point I'm not ready to be at. I've got too much I need to accomplish right now. But I've become too comfortable with where I am. I've become too comfortable with what I make, and that in turn has made me worldly and selfish.

I've lost myself in this routine. Somewhere along wasting 8 hrs of my day expanding closets for selfish clients and their prada shoes and wandering aimlessly along the aisles of tjmaxx.

I've become very uninspired. I have not written because I have nothing to say, and I have a room full of blank canvasses (figuratively and literally).

I don't know my grand solution yet. Maybe it's in California, maybe it's just staying here with a new attitude. I don't know.

I just know I'm not afraid or worried, just anxious, very very anxious.

"people need not fear the unknown if they are capable of achievingwhat they need and want. 'We are afraid of losing what we have, whether i's our life or our possesions and property. But this fear evaporates when we understand that our life stories and the history of the world were written by the same hand.'"

Someone up there is looking out for me. I just wish He'd point me in the right direction right about now.

High Kicks for Jesus!

2009-12-06T23:01:00.006-05:00

This past Saturday I took my parents to see the Radio City Rockettes at the Fox. Last year I had taken them to see the Nutcracker ballet, and I am still amazed on how such everyday things can never fail to reveal something amazing.

If you need something to put you in the Christmas spirit this season, I would highly suggest this show if you can't make it to New York City to see the storefronts and Rockefeller center yourself. But if you can't pay the $300+ for the flight, this will do just fine.

For about an hour and a half my eyes were stimulated with images of reindeer, Santa, dancing toys and elves, dancing bears and ballerinas, stunning costumes, and of course Rockette kick lines.

The Grand Finale was what touched me the most, and put me in the purest of Christmas moods. Instead of an elaborate finale ending with curtian calls praising the individuals of this show, they chose to do one of the most beautiful interpretations of the Nativity I've ever seen.

Granted most Nativity interpretations I've seen were in church halls with choir robes and ropes as costumes.

But they choose to end a seemingly secular show with something that has been confined to the church alters and mantles of our own homes. A story where the world should rightfully look towards for the meaning of this Season.

The costumes of the three Kings and their servants were stunning. Rich and vibrant velvet with gold embroidered designs stretching out as the prostrate themselves in front of the newborn king.

They even had live lambs and camels to worship too! The giant camels towered over the kings embellished beautifully with the same caliber of costumes. They all flowed across the stage towards the manger where Mary and Joseph were bathed in a heavenly (stage) light around a king.

I dare say I cried at the grand sight of it all.

They went to describe how this "one solitary life" has changed all of humanity.

All while herald angels were harking.

All in all it was just an amazing and rightful start to the Christmas season. Good job Radio City Christmas Spectacular, and thank you for bringing the real meaning of Christmas back into the hearts of thousands.

Habitat Support Letter

2009-03-31T00:11:00.006-04:00

I apologize in advance for this being so long, but when I write from the heart it tends to get lengthy, and matters of the heart should never be edited.

I was going to avoid doing this all together, but as the days start to close in on our Habitat trip to Mexico, I realize that I need your support.

Friend, I must be honest with you when I tell you that I hate my job. Everyday I sit at my desk for 8 hours working on a computer, my soul dying for every minute more I spend drawing wall sections and elevations for clients that have money growing out of their ears. Please don’t misunderstand me. I am humbly and forever grateful that I even have a job during this time, and you must think me crazy for taking a week off of work to go to Mexico. No, it’s not that I’ve become an indispensable partner of my firm, nor have I become recklessly confident of the promise of a steady job. It is simply that I want to avoid projects and find my next mission, I don’t want to work at a job, but live for a calling- that is why I go work with Habitat, because that is what my heart is called to do. Last year I was blessed with the opportunity to go to Tipitapa, Nicaragua with Habitat for Humanity where I was able to work alongside families to build their first home. For 8 hours a day I worked in the hot sun, mixing concrete by hand, carrying buckets of dirt, hand-making rebar supports, for five days so that I could build...well nothing really, we couldn’t finish a house. Even with my college degree- I cannot claim that I am in anyway an accomplished cement home builder. I went thinking that since I am an architect, I can teach others here “how to get it done”. Boy were my plans turned around. Even though I had all this knowledge of the curation time of concrete, the framing plan of a roof, and the structural capacity of loads, I was never prepared to build from the heart.
Here’s an excerpt from my journal from last year written the day after I came home from Tipitapa:

“I’ve already forgotten what it’s like, I’ve been back for less than a day and I’m almost back to ‘normal’. If tomorrow was like before, I would be waking up under a mosquito net in sweat, wash up, eat breakfast, load the bus, then head to the worksite.

A field barren

with concrete homes.

I’d probably sift dirt or carry buckets to pack down floors or make rebar
until Kevin would come and stand on that pile of rocks and ask for the soccer ball.

[note: Kevin is one of the children of the family who we were building the home for who later asked me to be his godmother]

That was when I’d drop my buckets and shovels and run just as eagerly to him.
I wonder if he realizes that he changed my life
to let me love in a way that I never knew I could.

I came thinking to myself, that THIS is how I was going to serve God, THIS IS WHAT I WAS MADE FOR.
I can work with a hammer and use my skills.
I will build something
I’m going to prove my worth through this work.
But God turned everything around again. He told me to drop all the skills I thought I had and thought I was made for.
I find myself speaking Spanish, talking to strangers, playing soccer, finding godsons.
Finding God in ways I never thought
Serving God in ways I never saw myself”

Friend, you see that I went to school to build and design homes, but I was created for that very moment when my skills, thirst and heart match those of my Maker to serve him in ways unexpected. As I grow older I realize that experiences like these can be stifled with the everyday, with the need to pay bills and fulfill obligations. But right now I ask you to join my heart with yours and support me in anyway you can for my next mission trip to Nayarit, Mexico in May. Prayers, donations, or a quick phone call or email to let me know that no matter where I am, I have your support. Even though you may never be able to work beside me building homes and serving the needs of these people, knowing that I have your support allows me to bring a piece of you with me wherever you are in my journey to serve wherever I go.
Thank you for your time. I will leave you with a quote from Pope John Paul II that pretty much sums up why I do the things I do:

“It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; he is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provokes you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is he who reads in you hearts your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle. It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with you lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be grounded down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal"

With humble gratitude and great Love,
from my heart to yours,

Stephanie

--If you would like to donate to our mission trip please feel free to send the check to my address. All checks will be made to "North Avenue Presbyterian Church". I will let you know if I get your check. Please facebook, call, or comment on this blog if you don't know my address and I will personally send it to you.

Thanks for all of your support!

Peace up!

Fill it up

2009-02-25T16:09:00.004-05:00

I don't understand how giving up chocolate alone is going to foster a successful Lenten season.

Note that I said, giving up chocolate alone.

I am not saying those that give up cheese, facebook, smoking, drinking, etc are not stacking up on the "holy" points in heaven

(if there is such a thing, most likely not)

But in the end,

after 40 days (actually 46 to be exact)

how are you a better Believer?

You might be a little thinner, a little healthier, and find that you spend wayy to much time searching for bumper stickers when you're bored (guilty)

you may find yourself more disciplined,

which is a plus

But in the end, and in the End (with a capital E)

what does it accomplish?

In my great and fantastic 23 years on this earth, I have learned its not just enough to give something up.

You can tell the smokers who quit cold turkey cos they fill up their addiction with gum, or candy.

You can tell the truly heartbroken when you find them doing crazy hobbies, seeking friendships, or on the rebound.

We are in a constant state of longing for equilibrium, we cannot be empty, your soul can't stand it.

When you give something up,

there's a little void in you,

and you can't go on living with holes in your soul...

Fill it up.

Fill up your soul with a good deed each day.

Fill up your soul with quiet time, charitable contributions...

You get the idea, but the point of it is that when you fill your hole-filled-soul with Holy actions,

then you've fully grasped the idea of Lent.

Because when you fill up your soul with these things,

then come Easter, there's no room for the sin to come back in, in theory.

You go through a conversion, not a suspended state of holiness.

I just can't see how cheese is going to put you through a conversion....

2<>78

2009-01-12T07:30:00.006-05:00

I was at Mass in Columbus, Missouri last weekend when I saw God.
I was at a church where no one knew my name
I was sitting behind this family with four kids, two who were under the age of five, and the other two at that age where not caring during mass was cool.
The youngest of the family was about two years old.
She was an unruly pink chub ball with white mini cowboy boots that she made a point to kick off anytime she was not happy.
I'll be honest when I say that I let myself be distracted by her during most of mass,
but God also made it a point to show me himself in the littlest (and chubbiest) of situations.

At one point during the mass we were to shake the hands or our neighbors
offering peace to our strangers.

I looked down and I saw this two year old girl actually sitting still
all she was doing was standing there, holding up her hand as a little child.
In front of her was an old man who was in his late 70's.
She was holding our her hand to extend her peace just like everybody else.
And the old man's face lit up, smiled, and gently shook her hand and offered his.

It was one of the most simply pure and beautiful things I have ever seen.
There was this girl, who was unaware about the symbolism of what she did,
who knew nothing of war, and nothing of peace
she knew nothing at all,
she just existed with this child like faith
knowing that shaking hands was appropriate
but not knowing why.

And then there was this man,
a wrinkled embodiment of experience,
a build up of ages whose held encounters with pain, death, love
who have seen wars, and cruelty,
whose had encounters with hate and encounters with sin,
here lies a man,
with years of experience who has probably seen enough of the world to believe there is no God
but at the same time here stands a man
who chose to see all these things, and still chose to believe in God.

To quote my favorite poet, William Blake:

"To see the world in a grain of sand,
And heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour..."

There was infinity in the palms of their hands,
young and soft
old and wrinkled.

There where young innocence and child like faith,
a girl stands pure and untainted by the world
holding out to touch one man
blemished with life experience
and tested in fire to refine a faith that's lasted for a lifetime

where there hands met, there was God.

Faith like a ballerina

2008-12-21T21:07:00.002-05:00

So my friend Christina noted my lack of presence in the blogging world, so here's an old excerpt I never published in honor of my ballerina friend :)

So I went to go see the Nutcracker with my daddy for his birthday over break. I have never seen a ballet performed to this scale before. I had never been the type to play with dolls or aspire to be a ballerina, until that night.

I was watching them move,
I was watching them dance.
I was watching them float gracefully across the stage,
like streaks of food coloring dropped in water

But it wasn't their elaborate tutus and costumes that amazed me,
it wasn't their choreography or illusionist sets.
It was their strength.
Their incredible strength.
They have this amazing ability to take strength and turn it into a graceful show.
Their strength was intimidating and artful at the same time.
It was purposeful and at the same time instrumental.
Every muscle was trained to do the exact thing it was meant to do.

Then I got to thinking about how faith is like a ballerina.

A ballerina trains for years and years in order to be able to move like they do, to be able to take graceful leaps and bounds and make it look as easy as breathing. But a weak dancer is very apparent, their lack of strength and training is apparent at every jump, like a boulder smashing through water instead of a snowflake floating to earth.

I don't want to be a rock through water.

I don't want to have this half-assed faith that makes me look like a Christian, but really I cheated myself of the proper discipline to present my faith with Strength bathed with Grace.

Someone with true faith has a strength that is intimidating and artful at the same time.

It is purposeful and at the same time instrumental.
Every muscle was trained to do the exact thing it was meant to do.

I hope to train one day for the race to be able to gracefully share the art of my Faith. But for now, I'm floating like a rock through water.

Rescued.

2008-08-02T00:20:00.006-04:00

"When it's quiet, does she hear me?
A jet is sent to the center of a storm,
I'm thinking I'd prefer not to be rescued..."

Sometimes do you think that your life is jet engine that's sent to the center of a storm?
All the turbulence inside of you dances like a teacup carnival ride with the world going around you,
and you just have no control

If you ever heard this song you may understand what I'm talking about.
Jack's Mannequin has a way of singing with a sense of urgency about the deepest emotions
yet they're so calm about the saddest things.
Like it was inevitable, like there's nothing you can do about it, so you just have to deal with it.
Their music to me is like the deep breath after a heavy cry.
It's the kind of relief after accepting the inevitable, that doesn't change how you feel

But off my tangent:

You always hear that your Relationship with God is filled with hills and valleys.
That you sometimes fall to get back up.
I feel those times when I'm at my lowest,
when there's nothing else going for me.
No job, my best friends are all moving away, breakups, downfalls, anything really that causes the deepest doubts in the darkest parts of your soul.
This is where I feel the closest to God.

When you turn out the lights,
and you find that you're left with nothing but you and Him.

Those are the times you are the most in tune to your emotions
Did you know that all the members of ABBA were married to each other,
and when they broke up and started writing songs about the heartbreak
they became more popular, because their songs became something people were relating to.
So it's kind of funny to be in an uncomfortable place.

Because you try so hard to get out of it,
but most of the time you just need to be in it.
Nothing but you and God.
In the center of the storm.

"... I'll be strong, but whatever you do
Please don't get me rescued...
Cause I'm feeling like
I might need to be near you..."

The Shape of your Soul

2008-04-06T23:05:00.003-04:00

Do you consider yourself a spiritual creature?
What does it mean to be spiritual?

Remember your first kiss,
(or maybe for me, remember your first kiss with someone you actually wanted to kiss- my first kiss was gross)
You've been waiting for that day when you have your first kiss,
you remember the smells, the touch, that air around you, and you feel everything good inside of you go haywire.

I believe that when you were born you were kissed by God.
And in that kiss he instilled in you your moral center,
he branded you with everything that is great and good in the world.
He gave you a wild spirit to search and uphold all these good things that he has created for you.
And throughout your life you have eradicated that spirit,
you have put it in a box,
you've filed it between school and work,
you've choked that spirit with your own words and your own works.
you've shaped it into something that it was not meant to be.
The question now is:
what is the shape of your soul?

The Unicorn:
A unicorn is a mythical creature that you may or may not believe in.
It would be nice to know that it exists, yet some reason in you believes that it doesn't.
A unicorn in medieval times was believed to be so pure that it was attracted to only virgin things.
In order to hunt a unicorn, a young virgin woman was put in its path and the unicorn would be so attracted to the purity that it would come to rest upon her bosom.
The unicorn is so pure that it is attracted to it's inner passion in a child like way.
Pursuing it's spirit through an inner drive without thought or reason
just an innate nature to follow it's calling.
There's a purity that has a hint of the calling that God has made us to experience,
but it must be nourished and refined.

The Salamander:
The Salamander has two skin layers. The first layer protects it from predators and elements.
Some salamanders change colors to warn predators, some salamanders can produce mucus that glues a snake's mouth shut when attacked.
It can live a life without consequence.
Even if a limb is bitten off, it can regenerate it.
A salamander lives its life without regards to existence,
except in times of peril,
that is when it's true nature turns on full throttle,
that is when the creature that it was made to be comes to life.
The love of self and the recklessness of life is the first quivering of God in your heart.
Channel it correctly.

The Cricket:
All these things that smuggle your spirit,
think of all the things that extinguish your soul.
Think of all the bad events that have happened to you
and think of how you reacted.
Despite the world being as it is
hiding the goodness of God behind its lies and corruption,
God's glory will shine through.
It will pierce through the storms and the trials,
and your spirit will be renewed.

"The nature of the cricket is to Love its song and to take so much pleasure in it that it does not look for food and dies singing."

Love your God,
nothing else matters.

Fear of a death by blow hole

2008-03-26T23:38:00.008-04:00

On an epic spring break journey to Hawaii I found myself standing in this national park in Maui. on the edge of a cliff and through the cracks of a blow hole- quite possibly the safest place in the world (as I send my sarcasm through the airways...)

But seriously, I was beyond all reason:
I was standing on the edge of something that could have killed me at any moment.
If my foot slips, I would fall into a hole and into a raging ocean that would have crashed my body into the rocks like an eggshell.
But at the same time I was so enthralled by its beauty.

I was standing in this blow hole wanting to be sucked in this beauty.
I was standing next to something that could have killed me at any moment: taking it's force and strength and snapped my neck and steal my soul at any second.
But at the same time I was standing next to something in such awe at its immeasurable scale and unimaginable force because it was the most beautiful thing that I think I could have seen.
I was on the edge of fear and beauty.
I was standing next to God.

"You shall fear the LORD your God; him alone you shall worship to him you shall hold fast, and by his name you shall swear. He is your praise; he is your God, who has done for you these great and awesome things that your own eyes have seen."

Deuteronomy 10: 20-21

God is something that we will never understand nor are we meant to.
He is something that exists in the very atoms of a tear drop, and to the extent of our solar system.
He is someone who can part oceans and carve out mountains with his fingernails.
He is a Lord who can love the deepest of sinners and test the most faithful of followers.
He is a Savior who gave up all the powers of the Universe, all control of the sun and the stars, the oceans and the wind
to become a human,
to become one of us,
to be with us
He is a GOD who knew you before you were born,
gave you every inch of your being, kissed your soul, and knew your smile before you were born.
But the same God can send the most destructive of storms and deadliest plagues at any moment.
He is a God to be Feared.
Not feared like a monster in a closet,
but fear in a sense that is awe.

Fear of a death by blow hole

He is a God who makes this world carefully,
who demands to live our lives recklessly,
he asks us to stand on the edge
to gaze into his beauty and be moved by his works
he asks us to fear his power
and to revel in his beauty.

Courtesy Role

2008-01-11T01:17:00.001-05:00

So I'm traffic in the rain, or in a long line near a rushing waterfall, or just walking down unfriendly streets in which you are not a paying customer and you have to go go go.

Excruciating pain possibly ending in life altering embarrassment.
You speed, and run, and BEG those Chinese restaurants to let you in if only for a moment.
You get to the room, see that sweet metal stall, and run for sanctuary.
You sit down, do that one thing you've been wanting to do for the past painful moments,
you reach your hand for the toilet paper which you are sure you saw a glimpse of white salvation hanging between metal holders,
but alas, what you saw in your fury of relief was a courtesy roll.

A courtesy roll:
Where there's just enough toilet paper on the roll to make it look like there's enough paper to do your business, but in reality, it's that last awkward piece that just tricks you, that doesn't satisfy your need.

Don't give God your courtesy roll.

As my semester is starting, things are beginning to pile up.
I start with an empty canvas this semester,
and now I'm covered with wet paint.
Mondays are this...Tuesdays are this...
OH finally I have a free night.
I can finally have some quiet time...but
I have to send these emails, watch this movie, read this book, then we'll see if I have time later.
I'm giving a big fluffy part of my role to procrastination.
I'm giving a nicely folded role to school...
I've got a square or two to clean up my face for looks
and I've got whatever's leftover for my Jesus time.

This is giving God your courtesy role.
You're giving him just enough time to make it 'look' like there's a relationship there
but it's not enough to satisfy...anything.

We need more than that,
he wants more than that.

step in time...

2007-09-13T00:31:00.000-04:00

"If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit"
Galatians 5:25

So many times we say that we are Christians.
We wear the cross, go to church, bow our heads before we eat and ask the Lord to bless this greasy greasy burger to nourish our bodies.
But if someone was blind, how would the "see" that we are in fact Christian?
What are the words that come out of your mouth?
What are you doing?
How are you LIVING?
I think that we need to be blind to ourselves for once and listen to our steps.
To walk in the Spirit is something that we need to focus on...well, focusing on.

In Hebrew to walk is to keep in march (or keep in step, some versions say to "keep in step with the Spirit")
Figuratively it means to conform to virtue and piety, walk orderly.

So if you are in deed [and no that is not a mis print] living in the Spirit we should be conforming to the Spirit.
Every ideal, every step, every thought, and every move should be in step with the Spirit.
We should not be conformed to things that cannot satisfy.
What if a jell-o mold was made of pantyhose?
It will end up a mess,
we cannot conform to something that isn't concrete, that isn't going to satisfy.
I need to conform to the ROCK that is my Savior.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and aprove what God's will is
- his good, pleasing, perfect will."
Romans 12:2

"His good, pleasing, perfect will."
I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how long I've been needing to hear these words.
My sister Kimberley introduced me to Galatians 5:25 when I asked her how she knew she was supposed to marry her husband Andrew.
She said that she knew that they were in step with the Spirit and that's what matters the most and that's what makes it all work out in the end.

I can make a chart right now of things in my life that are "in step" and well..."off beat"
and I can for sure tell you that the things that are in step with my life are the most blessed and the most fruitful.

I THIRST FOR GOD'S GOOD, PLEASING, AND PERFECT WILL
OH GOD how I thirst for this.

Gotta work on my steps first i guess.

...

2007-08-31T00:42:00.000-04:00

praying for inspiration.
be back after these messages.

finding confidence in making pearls

2007-06-03T17:53:00.001-04:00

my heroes for the week:
oysters.
I finally got my pearl earrings back from the jeweler's shop
I've been sans earrings for the past couple months
started to think about pearls and everything and I realize how awesome they actually are. Somehow a poor oyster manages to deal with a grain of sand in their mouth
for months and out of patience creates a beautiful miracle of nature.
It's like if we got a speck of dirt in our eye,
and instead of fishing it out let it irritate into a bmw or flatscreen tv of somesort.

For the past couple days I've been grown to be completely impatient
After sitting down and having a talk with myself
I've concluded that this irritation is growing from my very strong feelings of inadequacy.
I was ok with people asking what I was doing for the summer for a while.
I would happily respond with "haha I have no job, and no classes..."
and most peoples reaction is "man you are so lucky"
but the entire time I feel so incompetent.
For the first time in my life I have absolutely nothing to do.
I have no job and no classes for the first time since middle school
when all I did was watch cartoons and wake up at noon everyday.
I feel completely useless.
No one wants to hire me.
I feel so incompetent.
That is my grain of sand.

I feel very sorry for all the people in my lives right now.
I'm constantly seeking reassurance in everything around me.
I'm expecting all these goals that can't satisfy me.
and when they are not satisfied, I lash back out at everyone.

I am not trusting the Lord with his plan right now.
I trusted him for a long time expecting something in return
and I don't have it right now
I know that's not how it's supposed to work. I

'm seeking satisfaction in everything but the Lord my God right now.
In my abilities as an architecture student.
In my boyfriend.
In my friendships.
In my cooking and cleaning abilities.
and I'm disgusting myself.
I'm not taking this grain of sand very well.
I know that patience is what I need to learn, and to find satisfaction in only one thing.
I need to take this grain of sand and persevere with it so that I may truly glorify God this summer.

"And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and the hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us. "
-Romans 5:3-5

I need to remember that I already have the one and only thing that brings me true statisfaction. What happened to me? how did this happen? When did I become so superficial and worldly??
Well no use in trying to figure that out right now, I need to fix this. I need to get back to where I began:

"But recall those earlier days when, after you had been enlightened, you endured a hard struggle with sufferings...For you had compassion for those who were in prison, and you cheerfully accepted the plundering of your possessions, knowing that you yourselves possessed something better and more lasting. Do not, therefore, abandon that confidence of yours; it brings a great reward. For you need endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised."
-Hebrews 10:32-36

I already have something far greater than what I'm putting effort into finding right now.
I am confident only in the Lord.
Not in an architecture firm, not in a relationship, not in my abilities.
I am ONLY confident when I am in the Lord.
I urge all of you who are seeking satisfaction in life
and find that it disappoints constantly
that no job or internship or award
no drug, drink, or addiction will satisfy
nothing is going to satisfy
except for the one true God.
It's hard, it's enduring, not always fun, and it sure as hell isn't easy.
God doesn't make things easy.

He's going to give you that grain of sand
and it's up to you to make it into something beautiful

Searching for my soul mate

2007-06-01T13:37:00.000-04:00

As I enter into all these new phases of my life,
parts of my conscience is brought into being
and I am forced to reevaluate how I'm actually living my life.
To say, "I am a woman"
doesn't mean I have to cook the best casserole dish,
iron the most perfect pair of pants
or make spotless a dirty bathroom
I must discover true femininity
To say, "I am a Christian"
doesn't mean that I need to read the bible in public
or go to church every week in Sunday best
and never curse or drink
I must fully understand everything that I say I believe in before I can profess my faith

among other things going on right now,
but in this season where people are falling left and right
not from building tops or their own inadequacy of walking
but from what they call love
this is where I need to reevaluate what it is that I'm actually looking for
and make sure that I know when I'm falling and when I'm walking.
I don't want to make the mistake of jumping at the wrong time,
My evaluation of a soul mate starts with one of Jesus' last words:

"I thirst."

You know that this isn't the moment where the kool aid man bursts through a boulder into the crucifixion scene...
you know, truly you must know that this is not the kind of thirst He is seeking to quench.
You must know that there is something deeper here.
When you are hungry or thirsty you are missing something,
this is when you are the most vulnerable.
You know this feeling very well if you've ever gone to the grocery store on an empty stomach.
Suddenly the blue light special on potted meat and bean curd is appealing.

"I thirst for love."
Jesus is not seeking potted meat or bean curd.
The deepest thirst he is describing here is a thirst that is defined through moral lonliness.
Morality is deeper than what you may think.
It's not just a difference betwen right and wrong:
abortion is wrong, tithing is right, etc., etc.
The mystics said it more beautifully than I could have ever said it:
"Before you were born you were with God, before he gives you a soul He kisses it, and that kiss is unconsciously ingrained in your mind and in your soul-this is your moral center. "

In your moral center lies all that is precious to you, all that you believe in and everything that you want to protect.
At your moral center is where you remember the kiss of God.
At your moral center is where you recognize beauty, love, and knowledge.
You've already know all these things if you truly know God, and that's how you recognize true beauty, love, and knowledge.
At the same time, it is the same place where you want most for someone to come in.

Thomas Moore was the one who defined the term 'Soul Mate' perfectly in my life application. He describes a soul mate as the person that understands and agrees with all that is most important to you, the one who will meet you at your moral center.
So now I must understand fully everything that lies in this moral center of mine. If I expect someone to meet me there then I must be there myself shouldn't I?

At your moral center is where you remember the kiss of God.
I want to feel the kiss of God.

Who are you and how do you know me?

2007-05-15T02:06:00.000-04:00

Thank you for you who know me as

The sleepless architecture student; the one that got away; the go getter; the ex; a roommate; your best friend; a stranger; a Christian

And love me for

My love for the one and only God; something that you want to discover;my ambition and drive in life; believing in you; my company; my phone calls and small presents; singing loudly in cars and playing air violin in techno songs with you; my ingenious talent and creativity

Because in reality I am actually

A failed Asian striving to live up to the stereotype; overcommitted and incompetent leader; really bad singer and poor friend for not keeping up with you; in the studio and never in my room; a really interesting and deep girl being disguised in eccentric clothes and insecurity; not a sexy or seemingly captivating creature; a sinner and disgusting human being unworthy of the love that I have received; a poor hopeless romantic;

That is stuck

Alone in a crowd; behind a podium or desk making decisions; with all these people I don’t want to be with; at my desk because of the large pile of clothes blocking my path; behind a schedule of excuses; on a bus and behind a desk; in a state of beautiful brokenness; talking meaning into globs of glue and basswood;

When all I really want to do is

Fall asleep in your arms; find the right one and only one; clean; laugh with you over inside jokes while making more memories to laugh about later; sweat my ass off in a third world country building churches and schools; change the world; know and love you just like Jesus did; glorify God in everything that I do

You know my fears, failures, and weaknesses including

Spilling soda on my arches; my inability to seek you out; my messy room, mutiny, and failure to please; never washing dishes or taking out the trash; rejection, chubbiness, and weakness for love stories; never making time for you, empty promises, and failure to return phone calls; my lack of patience and lustful nature and irrational fear of sewer grates

But thank you for understanding that I am

Someone to be held, love, and respected; a hard worker with visions beyond competence; busy and will clean once something starts to smell; capable of great love to someone other than you; a good listener and a bad comedian; a funny spaz; not perfect; a girl trying her best with all that she has

And I love you for

Trusting and following me; sticking with me even when I look like a dead frog when I cry; loving God above all else; pressing the snooze button as much as you do; laughing with me at things that no one will ever understand; your friendship and framed photos; noticing me; seeing God in me; your intellect, talent and constructive criticism;

Even though you’ve known me for

A semester; a heartbeat; a short intense term; a couple anniversaries; two or three moves; years and years of awkwardness, heartbreaks, and laughter; less than two seconds; one conversation;

I really appreciate your

Instruction; loving company; diligent involvement; romantic efforts; patience; presence; interest to be; openness;

In my life.

refridgerate after opening

2007-03-01T00:24:00.001-05:00

I'm tired of falling in the same sin over and over.
It's like I know the road is muddy and my jeans will get we
but I still walk down it.
Not only that, but I trip and fall, face first
eating it on the dirt
and I don't even bother to get up.
I just stay there eating dirt.
It's like I havn't learned my lesson.
It's one thing to know what you did is bad or wrong
It's another thing when you realize your consequenses,
when God grants you wisdom and enlightenment about certian situations in which you freely choose to fail in.

You were created in the likeness of God.
I am created with dignity and I will be treated as such.
So many times in the past I've beaten myself up for falling in the same sin over and over.
I focus on the 'wrong' that I've done and vowed never to do it again
until the next time of course.

Yet I fail to realie that I am a complex human being and that my actions are never shallow.
Sure I can skim off the surface of pudding, that fixes it temporarily when it hardens after leaving it out for so long.
Yet if I leave it there long enought it will come back.

What really is the problem with me?

Why do I keep developing this pudding film?
Why don't I put myself back in the fridge?
All these years I've tried to fix these sins by avoiding them,
by praying about them,
by learning about them.
I've focused so much on the nature of the sin and its negitive effects on me that I've forgotten how to look inside and exammine the condition of my mind and heart.
That really is the root of my problem
myself.
I am my own worst enemy.
No matter how many times I try to avoid situations in which I could stumble,
if the state of my heart is not "in step with the spirit" (Galatians 5:25)
then I will still cause to stumble,
someway,
somehow,
I will find a way to stumble.
No matter how many people I avoid,
how many situations I stay away from,
no matter how many rules govern my life.
Until I recognize the condition of my heart
I cannot fully understand the glory of overcoming this sin,
I cannot be freed because I keep holding myself down
with a false sense of understanding
with my own concrete blocks of falsehood, denial, arrogance

What is the condition of my heart?

I feel at times that I don't need to be respected
I feel as though I can handle things on my own.
If I recognize that I am created with an equal and personal dignity,
then this sin that I keep falling in will eventually 'fall out'
I will overcome it if I figure out who I really am
what my motives really are
what my intentions here on earth actually are.

I'm so scared beyond belief on what I might find.
The condition of my heart is not very clean,
and now I'm deciding to open it up.
To make it vulnerable and broken so that I may learn something from it.
I have to face myself and the condition of my heart
I'm scared to see what I might find.

man oh man,
what am I doing?

Unveiling Cliches Pt. 2

2007-02-08T01:51:00.001-05:00

"The American Dream"

Ahh, they joy of the American dream.
What could be better than a white picket fence, 2.5 children, a steady job, a wife who cooks, and a golden retriever named Buddy?

What exactly is the American dream?

I was at the airport one day admiring the splendor of what I call travel when out of the crown room walked out the most beautiful family I've ever seen.
They were slender and worldly.
The father had a caramel tweed jacket with a white crisp collar and thin rimmed glasses wearing a perfectly tailored pair of jeans which sat, kissing the top of the same colored polished leather shoe.
His wife had beautiful chestnut hair that fell in waves across her slender figure. She had a face that could have easily been royal European in a small quaint country that no one's ever heard of. As she walked she breezed down the terminal like the wind beneath the wings of an albatross.
Her winter white shirt billowed as she held her daughter's tiny fur coat.
The daughter was the kind of plump that was rich.
Her headband matched her pants effortlessly as it held the tiny curls of her dirty blond hair back as her daddy kissed her forehead.

I watched them board the plane.
The royalty of a mother was holding two Starbucks coffees as she boarded they plane.
Of course they flew first class.

That was my experience with a successful American dream. I bet they have a nice big house capable of holding any size Christmas tree and a gas guzzling SUV.

But really what is it that we're striving for?
A great paying job for a big house and a nice car?
We will grow up, marry our true love.
Have a beautiful wedding with sepia toned pictures which we'll show our kids so they can dream for the same life.
We will fight for promotions and the worlds best casserole recipe.
We will master things such as a foreign language and a hammer in which we will build our own white picket fence.
We will drive the kids to soccer practice and piano recitals and then the next day move them into their universities.
We will do all these things until we decide to retire,
in which we will sit upon a hammock on the porch of our beach house reading a novel
or decide to start writing our own.
And then we will die happy.

Right?
What really happens after that? For all you believers out there it would be a place called Heaven right?

Let me tell you one thing:
You can't drive your SUV to Heaven.

What is it that you would really have to offer God at the end of your life?
The worlds best casserole recipe??

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
John 3:16

God gave his only Son as a sacrifice so that you may enjoy eternal life with him in Heaven.
God gave his only Son, and you need more to offer than a casserole dish.
more to offer than one great promotion
more to offer than a one hit wonder or famous skyscraper that you will build.
He asks for all of you, for your life
to not just pass calculus and discover a great math theorem
he asks for your life to glorify him,
to show others his love and glory.
When you meet Him he will ask what you did with your life.
It wouldn't really phase him if you bring him a postcard from every place you've ever visited,
because he's the one that created those places
He won't really be impressed if all you have to offer is a life full of fluff.
He gave you one life, one God given life and you need to make the most of it.
Don't buy into that American dream, you were already bought

"...you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."
1 Corinthians 6:20

Don't waste your life.

In the Muslim culture, truth is revealed in dreams. There have been some cases of Muslims converting to Christianity after God revealing Himself to them though their dreams, without ever having anyone speak to them about Jesus or Christianity.
They trust in this dream and go forth and do something about it.
I encourage all of you who are entrusted with the knowledge of Gods love and the Gospel to do something about it.
Do something with your lives and live it for the one true King
the one who gave you everything
I encourage those who don't know about Jesus and all he has to offer to search for something greater than your endeavors.
Because in reality you are just human,
and humans have faults and make mistakes,
so don't trust yourself with making the most of your life, you can't do it on your own
the only way to make it count is to make sure it counts for the one Truth that exists.

That's my American Dream.

John 17:15-17

2007-02-04T22:48:00.000-05:00

In all reality we think that we're going to make a mark on this world.
With all my endeavors as an architect that is what I've been taught.
Something I create will have some kind of impact on this world of ours
some topo line that I decide to move will alter the shape of this earth.
Some building that I fashion will forever stand as a testament of art, beauty, and responsibility to this world that I live in.

I really find this hard to imagine.

So the Parthenon was built in the 5th Century BC so it's been around for quite a while, but if you think about the existence of 2000 years in the history of the world it's just a blink of an eye.

What can I really create that will outlast that?
What can I really do that will make a mark on this world of ours?

This is the answer: we don't
This world is not ours to make a mark on.
We are not of the world.

"My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth."
- John 17:15-17

I feel funny saying that I'm not of the world,
a girl with a trunkfull of shoes and enough clothes to supply a small island, Madagascar perhaps.

But think about it.
The significance of man is insignificant.
In the eternity that will exist we are only an atom in the make up.
In the span of the Universe we are only but a passing thought in a shooting star.
We are but mere shadows in the midst of something greater.
The universe is not about how to understand it.
We can't possibly keep trying to find new meanings and universes.
We can't possibly understand how in the world the DNA of a fly and a human being is off by just a fraction.
All these things that we're trying to understand, that we're trying to find answers to:
-how deep is the ocean
-when does life begin
-how big is our universe
-is there life out there
-is there life down here?
-how is the sunset so beautiful
-why do I keep failing
-why am I not loved
The Universe is about God.
Only he is the one that can make something so complex yet simple at the same time.
He is the only one that can measure the immeasurable
and the only one that can fathom the depth of the skies.

The Universe is about the greatness of God.

this is why i suck

2007-01-11T00:33:00.000-05:00

a lot has been laid on my heart in the past few weeks and realizing that the first step to organizing your life really doesn't start in the bedroom

do you know who you really are?
do you know your spiritual being?
do you know who you were created in??

i don't.
i thought i did, but i really don't know as much as i should.

I AM CREATED WITH AN EQUAL PERSONAL DIGNITY!

dig·ni·ty [dig-ni-tee]

1. Bearing, conduct, or speech indicative of self-respect or appreciation of the formality or gravity of an occasion or situation.

2.	nobility or elevation of character; worthiness: dignity of sentiments.

3.	elevated rank, office, station, etc.

4.	relative standing; rank.

5.	a sign or token of respect: an impertinent question unworthy of the dignity of an answer.

Archaic.

a.	person of high rank or title.

b.	such persons collectively.

lets focus for a second.
you? a dignified form of creation?
me? ranked in nobility?
hellooo? where's my tiara? my 200 thread count egyptian sheets? where's my throne? what can I do to get some service around here anyway?? didn't you hear? I'M ROYALTY!

well i'm going nowhere fast. here are your answers:
-there was a crown, made of thorns.
-your sheets are stained with blood and water.
-your throne is in heaven
-your role is to serve, not to be served
-and yes you are royalty; because you were created in the likeness of God-the ultimate and upmost form of royalty.
"So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created him."(Gen 1:27)

what does that mean anyway?
well first, you're not from an ape nor were you from something that exploded in space millions of years ago.

you were made, specifically, mind body and soul in the likeness of God.
He crafted you with the upmost care, he knew you, every inch of you, every so called imperfections and freckle of you. To him you are perfectly created, you were beautiful right from the start.

he created you with a soul and a body.
To quote one of my favorite artists:

"I want to live where soul meets body
and let the sun wrap its arms around me
and bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
and feel, feel what it's like to be new"
-Death Cab for Cutie 'Soul meets Body'

so there has always been this tension between Spirit and Flesh, and for years there are different "ways" to relieve this tension.
Look around you, look around your campus, your friends, your relationships-
how do these people try to relieve this tension?
well I don't want to point anything out, but I'm sure they're not doing it the right way.

what is the right way?
purify your heart and practice temperance-attach your intellect (and yes you do have one dispite what your gpa says) and your wills to the demands of God's holiness in your
heart body faith.
it all connects. you can't funtion without a coheredness of all three.
*ding* a light just came on in Stephanie's head:

this is why i suck.

hmmm. yeah that's it. something's not always enough for you God eh? you always gotta ask for more? geez.

“It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; he is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provokes you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is he who reads in you hearts your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle. It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with you lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be grounded down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal?
~Pope John Paul II

i am dignified-or at least i'm going to strive to be. I'm tired of falling into the same sin over and over and over again. I'm not going to depend on anyone but God to fix this.

-Man gains such dignity when,
ridding himself of all slavery to the passions,
he presses foward to his goal by freely choosing what is good
and by his diligence and skill,
effectivly secures for himself the means to this end!

Good Concept, poor execution:

2006-11-15T22:58:00.000-05:00

A list of such predicaments:

-Stramps: A combination of stairs and ramps. Sure it's fine for design purposes, to satisfy the handicap or just to take up room in your topo, but when walking down the stramps of the Campoldolgio one can find that the 3.2 steps it takes to over come each step is quite inconvenient especially when you have to figure out what to do with the other .8 th of your step. You're left wondering what to do when all you want to do is go from point a to b.

-Switchback steps: Almost as inconvenient as a stramp, the switchback steps/path/walkway is a good concept in design, making the traveler contemplate his/her surroundings while surveying the landscape as an element instead of an obstacle...wrong! The switchback concept seems to be just as much as an obstacle. Have you ever thought of Lombard Street in San Francisco was nothing more than a pretty road. In fact, it is very difficult to drive and walk down this path. All you want to do is walk from one place to the other and you just find yourself walking back and forth, back and forth, back and forth...

-Sporks: I'm not quite sure if I've been ever too lazy to switch back between two utensils but I also can't think of a food that would require you to have to frantically double duty your silverware. I mean there are a few choice moments where I have to eat my soup and spaghetti at the same time, but thats only when I'm in a hurry, usually because I wasted my time trying to walk down stramps or switchback steps on the way to the soup/spaghetti restaurant. But it's not like those stubby 'prongs' can effectively spear anything anyway, except maybe mashed potatoes, you know those can get pretty unruly sometimes you just need to give them a good spork.

-Tulle: Good for filling your dress, but it's just plain itchy

-

Finding Mr. Darcy

2006-11-09T01:13:00.000-05:00

Why is Mr. Darcy such a fascinating and desirable character?
He has a certian "ruggedly hansome" look about him.
Hansome enough to have a bust carved of him, but charming enough to be able to walk through a foggy field at daybreak with the coattails of his jacket manlishly flowing behind him as he pursues the love of his life.
Or is it that he's not a beer guzzling arrogant boy who underestimates a woman's ability to lead, think, and use a circular saw.
I think it is because he is a true gentleman,
who stands up when a woman walks in the room
and cares enough about the love of his life to care about her family
to care about her character,
and challenge her and treat her as an equal,
all the while still knowing that he needs to provide for her
and hold her hands when she is cold.
He speaks to her kindly, but at the same time he challenges her for her opinon, because he knows and cares that she has one.
He does kind things for her, even when she may not know it,
he doesn't show his love to get some in return
he doesnt' show his love to let others see how great of a catch he might be,
he shows his love in a way that is true,
that is uplifting and kind to his beloved,
which, ladies and gentlemen, is what love should be.
You shouldn't expect to have anything in return,

"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, it is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over inquiry, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

So you see, Mr. Darcy is a good example of what really we should be seeking for ladies,
and gentlemen, you can learn a thing or two as well.
But remember that your happiness and fulfillment can not be found in a thousand Mr. Darcys'. The one man who can truly make you "completely, perfectly and incandescently happy"
his name is "Jesus. Jesus... Jesus...Jesus!"

Unveiling Cliches Pt. 1

2006-11-07T22:04:00.000-05:00

"Actions Speak Louder than Words"

right?
But think about it, words are more powerful than actions.
You can quickly justify, rationalize, defend, or contradict an action with words,
an explanation, an excuse, a definition etc,
but how often do you forget what someone has said,
whether it was hurtful, uplifting, funny, or downright awkward?
Those are the stories you remember to tell.
I'm not saying that words are always more powerful than actions.
I'm just saying that people follow that cliche too often that they forget to speak.

Stop the gossip.

People remember to uplift one another always in word and deed.
Someone close to me once told me that he never said anything about someone that he wouldn't say to their face.
And that is so true.
How often have you gossiped about someone to later find out that they overheard the words you spoke about them?
How would you feel if you were that person.

Where do you words really come from?
What good will come from gossip? What are you trying to fix or acheive from talking about a person behind their back?

"Those conflicts and disputes among you, where do they come from? Do they not come from your cravings that are at war within you? You want something and do not have it; so you commit murder. And you covet somethign and cannot obtain it; so you engage in disputes and conflicts. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive because you ask wrongly, in order to spend what you get on your pleasures"
-James 4: 1-3

Words are so powerful.
Maybe that's why we're so afraid to use them for good.
It is easier to show someone you care, but how often do you actually tell the person that you care?
How often do you tell someone about God's love?
I'll be honest, I've been stuck in this comfort zone of serving others instead of speaking what was written on my heart.
I mean for all they know I could be just a nice girl.
When is it right to evangelize through words rather than deed?
Well God will open those doors for you when the time is right.
He's not going to throw you in with the sharks without a harpoon.
he will always provide you with everything you need to do everything he needs:

"The gifts he gave were that soem would be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, some pastors and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry for building up the body of Christ" -Ephesians 4: 11-12

I am not prophet, I am no pastor nor teacher.
I am a girl who loves to make people laugh,
I am a girl who loves to talk to strangers and to draw, paint and create.
I love leaving something better than how I find it.
Those are my gifts that God equips me with.
So you will know when the time to speak is, and you will discern the moments on which to act.

I am not saying that words are more powerful than actions,
and I'm not saying that actions are more powerful than words.
I claim both to be powerful,
but you have to know how to use them wisely
and know when you need to be heard and the times you need to be seen.

no dice

2006-10-26T01:01:00.000-04:00

Patience is my frienemy of the month,
it tests me, it lives in me, it removes the elastics from my socks so that they always fall down in my shoe where I can't get it.
it is uncomfortable,
its the missing snooze button on my cell phone so I always have to wake up right on time,
it's inconveient,
it's what keeps me up at night as I wait for it to pass,
it's tireing.
I don't like it's presence, I want it to go away.
I'm not used to this.
I have to stand back and watch,
I can't do anything,
anything
patience *sigh*
I know it's for the best,
but I wish it would just hurry up...

breathing on empty

2006-10-20T00:17:00.001-04:00

The city streets are full of hollowed souls
each looking for their own fulfillment
in different paths in different lights.
Broken and batterd shells from different pasts,
different scars and different remedies
resulting in different endeavors
Some are purposeful in their intentions,
trying to find the right meaning in the right places.
but others are still turing back to their same mistakes.
Seeing these regressions makes my heart ache.
To see all your loved ones fall into the same trap that they've set up through habits,
through addictions, and sadly through lifestyles.
There are empty people
and there are shallow people.
The shallow ones have a depth, they just choose not to dive into it at the moment.
The empty ones are the dangerous ones,
filling up whenever they can with whatever they can.
I feel for them,
how do you serve?
How do you hand them a glass of water?
How do you convince them that this is a thirst
only filled with one thing.
You can drench them with a firehouse
and they will still feel empty.

what is the world coming to?
how do you bring it to where it's supposed to be?

the answer is: you don't
it's not in your power
you are just a vessel
I am just as empty, just a middle man
for some greater power serving for some greater glory.
my difference is that I choose to fill myself with something that is everlasting.
I'm running for a crown that will last forever.

but sometimes I just get out of breath...

do you see what I see?

2006-09-17T02:29:00.000-04:00

"Mold this earth so it reflects what you see through your eyes of faith."

So what is it that you see through your eyes of faith?
Well this is what I see:
I see a love that is beyond compare or words.
I see that there are more things to worry about than what you consider tough today.
I see that God has blessed me with an opportunity to study and to practice my faith openly.
I see that there's a reason for everything with a meaning higher than our own understanding.
I see that God has loved us even when we stumble.
I see that I have to live that way too.

I see that in every sunset there is creation
and in every raindrop there is life.
I see that God is in our souls even when we don't think he is,
I see that he is there when no one else is.
I feel him in everything that I desire.
I see that no matter what I think I want, I'm only granted with what God knows I need,
and that whatever it is I need isn't always clear.
I see through these eyes of faith that there is always love to give,
to every homeless,
to every student,
to every awkward person that you meet in your life.
In which cases you pray for opportunity,
for openess,
and for patience to deal with all these things.

I see that you can always serve
big or small
and it's such a cliche,
but it's so true.

So I seek to mold this earth through what my eyes of faith sees, and what I see is a world that needs eyes of faith to be compassionate,
to be understanding,
to be patient,
to be radiating with God's love for every single one of his creatures

I'm sitting here watching this giant praying mantis that has caught itself between our window panes.
He's stuck between the world that he's supposed to be in and the world that he is drawn to.
And his small opportunity to cross between the two lies in a small crack of an opportunity to escape from one world to the next.
I've stuck ample amounts of duct tape to the inside of the window to prevent him from coming in here,
he doesn't belong here, he won't survive here, but somehow something attracted him here.
So God lately has patched my mistakes with duct tape,
not outright pushing me out of my pane
but guiding me gently in the direction of where I'm supposed to be going.
This stupid bug has been going up and down unaware of the opportunity of escape,
kind of like what I'm doing.
I know where I'm supposed to go,
my faith tells me so,
but lately I've been having faith with doubts.
Ironic eh?
James says not to, a faith with doubt is void.
So I have to learn how to have no doubts about God's plan for my life.
No doubts about my eyes of faith and what they see,
because I think sometimes I try to see too much,
the bigger picture,
but I'm not ready or qualified for that yet.
one step at a time...one step at a time.

thoughts about love...

2006-09-04T01:49:00.000-04:00

I have none.
I have no idea what love is supposed to be.
I thought I knew at one point,
and yes I have said "I love you" to others before
but I'd never take those "I love you"s back.
Because I know at the time that I did love them with all the knowledge of love that I had at the time.
Do you know what I mean?
But I've come to a crashing realization that I have no idea what this is supposed to be,
or who I can possibly share it with.
There has been too many mistakes, there has been too many let downs,
Is it possible that I could have become so impossibly messed up from these past relationships
that I have this tainted version of what I think love is?
I know that I'm only 20 years old, but my series of serious relationships have been dramatic enough for a tv series.
It seems the problem with my relationships is that we're never "in tune"

"If we live in the spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit"
-Galatians 5:25

I know now that in all these past relationships I've been seeking the same inate thing in each of them,
the manifestation of God's love through two people.
But how can that happen when the other party doesn't have this realationship with God on their own?
So I know now that that has been my mistake,
dating for potential, knowing that they can be an awesome man of God,
which is ironic because every man and woman are called to be an "awesome child of God"
but nevertheless,
we were never in step.
We were both doing our own dance with different steps trying to find the same beat.
which resulted in a horrific performance that can be likened to one legged midget people riverdancing to a LFO song.
Not pretty eh?
Seems that I've never really been "in step" with the spirit with anyone before.
So I'm not sure when exactly do I find that,
but I'm sure it doesn't involve LFO or midgets.
Either his life was leading him someplace else, our futures didn't match, his relationship with God didn't compliment mine...etc
we were both writing different stories in which our relationship was only a chapter.

I know that God has written my love story.
A most beautiful and inconceivable love story.
The problem is that,
I don't read.

So here I am trying to figure out how to read again.
not knowing where to begin,
only knowing that I have to trust again.

Thoughts on revolving...

2006-08-25T00:45:00.000-04:00

so I heard a girl say the other day: "I can't focus on this right now because my life now revolves around my new husband."
And that got me to thinking,
why should she be the one revolving around him? I mean isn't it just the same right for him to have to revolve his life around her?
And if that's the case, they are just like one of those carnival rides that turns in on itself while turning together at the same time.
While I was in Mykonos I was walking along the beach at night looking at the stars over the Mediterrnean and the city lights, and at the edge of the beach near the rocks I see a light. I see a couple of lights and so I start to walk towards it.
It turns out that it was a flamethrower.

All you can see in this picture is the flames as he spun them around him effortlessly.
I didn't understand how he could spin around these flames without burning himself.
I feel like this random flame thrower on the sands of Greece is me in another life.
It's me now.
I'm juggling all these volitale things, revolving them around my life seemingly effortless,
but once and a while they catch and burn,
like this guy he would once and a while lose momentum and have to start spinning again.
I just don't understand how he does it,
and I don't understand how I'm doing it.
I have to get back in this groove of school, I've lost momentum over the summer, my head is still in Greece and Italy on the rocks of the beach of the Mediterrenean eating watermelon or wandering the streets of Venice.
My mind is still wandering around in my past and I need it here now!
I'm losing momentum everywhere!! I can't handle it, it's too hard to get it back.
But I know once I get this so called life of mine back together I will learn from my mistakes,
I will spin more carefully and I will choose, more carefully, my next set of moves and tricks in order to keep this freak show known as my life back on broadway.

back on track

2006-08-20T00:48:00.000-04:00

its good to be back!
even though I've probably provided half of the salt trade in the US through sweat and blood from work week,
it was worth it.
Painting, cleaning, moving, lifting, throwing, tossing, turning, building,
engineered ourselves an irrigation system
and I engineered myself a makeshift closet in this new room of mine.
It was great to see like all the people I've missed in like three days
study abroad folks,
old old old ex-boyfriends,
long lost sisters,
etc.
I rode on the back of Tim's motercycle the other day,
it was pretty awesome,
I'm pretty obsessed with speed right now haha.
we got to 100 on the highway and it was like freedom
even though the ironic thing was that that moment of freedom
was attached to the one thing that didn't grant me any of that last semester.
but this year is going to be different.
I know this year that God's going to take care of me,
that the only way to understand what I need in life,
is to not focus on anything that I would want.
I know that Mother Theresa was pretty much talking about my life
(among others)
when she said:

"God's not going to give me something I can't handle,
I just wish that He didn't trust me so much"

But I figure that God trusts me enough because he knows that I can handle anything that comes my way.
So...
Bring it on TECH!
Bring it on FRIENDS!
Bring it on VICE PRESIDENTIAL DUTIES!
Bring it on 8AM MANAGEMENT CLASSES!
Bring it on LIMITED CLOSET SPACES!
Bring it on LIFE!!
You've got a challenging contestent who loves you and is willing to fight for everything that is good and glorious.
Here I come life, you better be careful of what you decide to throw to me, you might be surprised on how I handle it,
heaven only knows that I may surprise myself.

rambles

2006-08-05T23:18:00.000-04:00

today was a good day.
Other than I got back from ATL at like 2 this morning and then woke up at 7:30...
Today I was at the church all day helping lead at a confirmation retreat.
Sometimes I wonder if they even care. I mean it is the saturday before their first day back at school on Monday, and they are stuck indoors all day listening to people talk and do crazy things like sit in circles and talk about Jesus and stuff like that. It makes me really sad when I think about the "good old days" when retreats were so amazingly awesome and not one bit lame. But it is a little reassuring to know that you've made a difference at one point. For example, we were singing this one song:
"Blessed be Your Name"
and a long time ago me and Sophie used to do hand motions just for fun for this song, and today I find that they've adapted it to their use. and they still use hand motions that I helped plan on retreats from a long long time ago and they have no idea where it came from. So I just sit in the sound booth and smile at it all.

Then we rushed out of there at 5 to go to mass with the Archbishop, it was pretty awesome.
Then I stumbled on this "Coffee and Cones" place in town an actual cool place in Peachtree City!
It was a low lit place with playing cards and board games casually sitting on the table and two (really talented) singers playing on the stage.

It was wicked.

I had a good night, makes up for my crazy week. Now all I want to do is be stationary, in the physical sense, not in the spiritual one of course, I want to be on fire!

life is on cruise

2006-08-05T01:20:00.000-04:00

So I think I may be done with traveling for the next couple weeks. I just want to lay on my butt and do absolutly nothing all day.
Don't you dare put me in a boat,
unless I'm in a swimsuit or being tugged on by a rope on skis or something
sans luggage.
Don't you dare put me on a plane,
especially if there is an hour and a half delay
and I'm stuck watching the wandering golfer and learning about rare snow leapords and their hunting habits on Delta Horizons.
Please dont' make me speak anything other than English and depraive me of my sweet tea and white rice for another week.
Please keep me away from any place that takes my money (or lack thereof) away from me.
I was driving around in the car today and I was even too lazy to step on the gas.
So i put it in cruise control,
rolled down all the windows and the moon roof
softly singing to Charlie Hall...
realizing that it is 1am and I need to get home and go to bed
with so many thoughts in my head
my feet and my heart are all worn out
my cell phones almost dead and so is my hope
I realize that I need to take this thing I call life
a little more seriously
and I need to realize that love
is something that I don't understand anymore.
But the one thing that I learned this month is:
you can say anything that you think you mean...
but it really takes a good character to prove it.
I've never been a fan of hypocrites...never really.
So I've learned to be more careful with my intentions with life,
because life is a force to be reckoned with.
and with just about two years left in college
I'm really scared.
Because there's no way I can cook or pay bills and taxes and stuff like that
there's no way I can kill my own cockroaches,
I am so unprepared.
I am so blessed.
I need to do something with myself,
I just have no idea where to start.

Revelations of the week

2006-07-31T00:55:00.000-04:00

you can't escape from studio, even in the summertime.
driving on campus is fun, especially since it's easier to leave it in a car...
if your fans love you, then you will have an awesome show...aka The Format!
RESPECT is the greatest thing you can give a person
RESPECT is the greatest thing a person deserves
RESPECT IS THE GREATEST THING YOU CAN GIVE A FRIEND!
people can say anything they want, but the only way to prove themselves true is to show it.
I've grown too suspicious
I'm an extremely messy person who is never allowed to own their own house or a fish
I am too much of an impulse spender, not enough to have their own show, but just enough for it to be a slight problem especially since I don't have a job.
don't ever say anything about someone you wouldn't say to their face.
budgets suck
church in English is great
I've been wasting my time on something that wasn't worth my time.
kiss your mother, she loves that
listen to you father, he deserves that
sandy has lost 4 lbs!
I need to be more careful about love.
networking is fantastic!
there is a difference between "hate cookies" and "love cookies"
the world works against me on a daily basis...
warm welcomes with loud posters and good friends at the airport are the perfect midnight shindig...
"welcome home stephen from'San Diego'" if you get it, then you're my new favorite friend.

broken bottles and rice

2006-06-18T12:13:00.000-04:00

Best Chinese food by the way, is in Rome, Italy on the Via de Argentina in front of some Ruins.
Please order the Curry duck with a perfect proportion of 2 bowls of rice to one order of duck.
That's about the best advice I have for everyone.
Actually, here's another piece of advice,
when bottles are being thrown at your hotel during a riot,
remember to close the doors,
but don't make eye contact with any of the bottle throwers,
because they might aim for your window,
and actually hit it.

So I love this place, but it's pretty stinking crazy around here.
Everynight at 2 am the bars close down and that apparently doesn't make many people happy.
So they riot,
and police come with sticks and plastic sheilds and such.
The other day there was a riot outside where there were tons of bottles being thrown outside,
I take a peek outside the windows and I see like 4 or 5 guys throwing bottles at our hotel,
and then all of a sudden like five of them are outside our hotel door opening and closing it...
what the crap?
I had no idea what's going on,
So I go to the bathroom to shut it, but I watched this guy run across the piazza,
grab something in his hand,
make eye contact with me
and launch something.
I quickly closed the window and just in time I hear a :::CRASH:::
(on a side note this is how my roomate told me to spell an onomonec representation of glass breaking in our windowsill)
This place is crazy, but you wouldn't know it because before we could get up to beat the sun
street sweepers would clean up the craziness, and here's the picture perfect Campo everyone sees in books and magazines.

Other than that Rome is great!
but here are the things that I've missed the most since I've been here:
-Paved roads
-MEAT
-toilet seats
-bathtubs
-rice
-wide open spaces
-clean feet
-ice cubes
-my puppy (who is fat and clean)
-washers/ dryers
-clean underwear
-3 prong plugs
-SWEET TEA
-mexican food
-Garunteed hot showers
-water pressure
-briton misses ketchup
-nice boys
-English
-Driving in a car
-:::Ranch Dressing!::: (From briton)
-normal MTV
-cell phones
thats about it for now...

on a side note, I made a boy fall in love with me today.
It was nice.
thats all I got
Ciao for now

gotta go clean my feet.

All boats lead to...Rome

2006-06-07T12:08:00.000-04:00

So yeah I finally made it to Rome
Dragging my dog of a suitcase with me..
but it's pretty nice staying in once place for more than 48 hours
I'm stoked about it all.
We took a small 5 minute tour around our hotel when we got here on Sunday,
I turned the corner and saw the pantheon,
I gasped and almost cried, it was so awesome.
I have come to realize how much I really miss...

MEAT.

I mean in Greece I had about a gyro a day and I was never really tired of it. Here it's been three days, four pizzas, and 4 servings of pasta and I'm already tired of the carbs.
My body screams, "Protien Please!" and I say, "I'm sorry, all I have is breadsticks and gelato, I can only do so much."
All I want is a huge serving of steak, filegt mignon, actually, any part of a cow would do fine, any mammal will do fine, I'll even eat more of that Goat from Olympia that I had to eat because the place thought it was chicken...
But other than that, this place is amazing. I just chill around the piazzas and oru hotel is right on the Campo de Fiore. Every morning I wake up and pay $0.30 for a bannana and head on to see some of the most beautiful sights in Rome. When I get thirsty I can just grap a slurp from one of the random fountains sitting around Rome, you know the ones from the 'aqueducts'. Haven't gotten sick yet thank goodness! I'm getting cravings for some dancin, I can't wait till this weekend. This Friday we might head to a pub to watch some fùtbol on the telly. It's going to be a riot!
Tonight I'm going to do what is completly against my morals when it comes to travel, I'm going to go out to eat some Chinese food. Chinese food in Italy, I know, this is shocking, but seriously, the carbs are slowly killing me, give me some fu man choo, poo poo platter, whatever it is that isn't pizza or pasta please! But it will be interesting none the less. Anywhoo, I'm gonna head out and chill in a piazza for a while and write some postcards listening to the sounds of the guitar and accordian playing by my side begging for some change.

I don't need no change, I got enough right in front of me.

Ciao world!

Seriously, my life is awesome right now...

2006-05-28T04:41:00.000-04:00

So like yea, I'm totally cruisin through the islands of Greece.
We went to Myknos after Athens and it was one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen.
We stayed in this postcard perfect place, with white stucco and jet blue doors to match the water.
Then we went to Santorini (sisterhood of the traveling pants anyone??) and rode some donkeys and saw one of the most beautiful places on earth-OIA, check out pictures if you don't believe me.
Climbed another mountian the other day..that would make like what? four total? My legs are going to look hot after this trip
between the walking and the climbing and the dancing and all...

I am currently right now sitting in a bar in Crete pressing for time on the internet.
I've come to realize that I love this place, and I might never want to leave.
I'm gonna go run by the beach right now before I pay 15 Euro to go rent a motorbike :)
I'm so stoked, forget about Itlay...for now.

pretty swank.

2006-05-17T12:46:00.000-04:00

I'm in Athens...GREECE!!!

I'm so stoked to be wandering the streets here in Greece.
This is going to be short and sweet because I can't waste my time on the computer when there's a whole world outside of these doors to explore.
I've given up on sleeping because it's a waste of time,
but I've been eating an absurd amount of gyros to make up for it...
Everything I touch is ruins...
Everytime I sit I get a whistle blown at me.
Everything I see is amazing...

Greece is pretty swank I must say,
I'm in love.

stop to have a beer?

2006-05-11T22:51:00.000-04:00

So I was bored one night and I started to read through all my old yearbook signings and here are some that made me smile, shed a tear or two, and made me realize that some people were actually wise in high school.

Sophomore year:

"Hey Stephanie,
Nice butt. I guess we are twinkies. Oh well. Nice butt. I guess it is alright. We can still call them crackers. Nice butt. So when are you taking me home? Nice butt. Anyways we should do something this summer. Have a nice one. Nice butt.
-Daniel Cushing"

"Hey Stephanie,
I am not gonna write as much as you did in Jamie's Book. I don't like tomatoes but I liked the deer in head lights. :)
Cya
-Big Orange"

"Stephanie,
I don't really know you so this is rather difficult. LOL. Well, another year and more crazy memories. The year in review: Your 1st time snowboarding, our 1st job, cars, and so many more. [a really fast review, thanks james...] Thanks for always being there, your a great friend! You've always been there when I'm in pain + always willing to act drunk so I can lean on you. Though we might have to work on your way of handling those situations. (Peach butts don't work) You've always been willing to break laws with me so I wouldn't be lonely in the car. And so we would have plenty of apples. Your an apple theif! LOL! My left hand is you + my right hand is Allison, so I'm sorry, but your stuck with me forever. Unless we have a horrible surfing accident or someone hits us with skiiing sticks. It's scary how well you know me; "You want to go to vietnamese resturant w/ us.""No, thank you" surprise! The years have flown by, remember 4th grade summer? Ever since then we were inseperable! I was here before the guys + I'll be here after the guys. I'll try not to make you cry, but forgive me if I do. Sometimes I get busy, please remind me what's important. We've changed, but deep down you'll always be the girl that used me for my pool during the summer + climbed trees @ Callaway w/ me. KIT and have an awesome summer! I know you will because you'll be camping with me!
A wise person once said:
"A friend knows your sneezes."
"Guys are stupid + always will be stupid cus they were born stupid."
Sorry if my dislexia got the best of me during this note. [by the way, James wrote this whole entry backwards...]
-Jamie Grace
ps. you mean more to me than sunny delight!
pps. What did batman say to robin before they got into the Batmobile?
b: Hey robin! Let's get into the batmobile.
(Please don't remember me for my corny jokes!)"

"Sorry steph but I just can't help it! You hold such a special place in my heart, forever! It doesn't matter if we both go to Boston [i don't remember ever talking about boston...] either way I'll find you and never let you go. I've watched you grow and change into the generous, forgiving, religous person you are today, but you've got so much farther to go so I expect great things out of you. If you ever have any problems @ architect school come to me. I may not know how to fix it always, but I'll always listen and try (like always). If you can't find your dream, don't worry, your dream will find you. Never give up, you're a wonderful artist, speedy runner, and a gifted student. You have so much to offer the world even if you do it like a bum w/ me. Remember: breath deep and these worries we have now we won't remember soon.
Live Life, enjoy life, cherish life
Jamie Grace"

[yes she signed my yearbook twice, because i'm that nice...]

"Stephahnie
...remember. Karen is NOT a sheep...
-Danny O'Shaughnessy"

Junior Year:

"Stephanie,
YOU SUCK! Not really! I love you like a brother even though you're a girl...Asians are the best. I hope you have a kick ass summer.
Cushing
TWINKIE POWER!"

"Steph-
Well gee...thanks for saving me so much space to sign in. Oh well this works :) Wow, what an awesome year this awesome year has been. Even though I am your hero, you too have become the hero of your hero...me. Yes Stephanie shrimp IS the fruit of the sea, and never forget that because you just mean too damn much to me to lose that. Ahh yes "that", that which is the stuff dreams are made of and digital watcches are the answer to the questioning for answers that you are looking for..a place that you all fit in. like your trunk, a lot of space is in there even enough for a 50lb cross that Jesus held on his shoulders for an entire school day. And I just thank you for allowing me to shift your stick and push your clutch all those unforgetable times. Ahh...parting is such sweet comparison to a midsummers night dream.
Your Hero
-Mike-"

Senior Year:
"Hey-
[insert doodle of a kid with a bloody sword holding a bloody head]
Hope you have fun at college and good luck and stuff
-Karl"

"Stephanie,
I've known you for about seven years now and each year I find I'm more pleased to see you than last...I've very pleased with what a nice person you've become as compared to how you used to slap the shit out of me in 5th grade. Thanks for being a friend. Best wishes.
-Micheal P."

"Your smartar than me.
Better looking than me.
Anytime you remember high school, stop and have a beer.
Have a good life
-Hanson"

"Stephanie-
Wow, you are a really hott asian. This year was great geteting to know you. Wow, you are a really hott asian. Hope you have fun in college.
Love,
Gwalt
ps. you are a really hott asian"

"Stephanie-
You just might be the nicest person I know, up until you said you were going to jump Ms. Toni. But I got your back. Have fun
Love, Zack Attack

leavin on a jet plane

2006-05-10T23:56:00.000-04:00

Come Friday I'm leaving for six weeks.
Two days in New York,
One hour in Geneva,
Three weeks in Greece,
then three weeks in Italy.

My summer is going to be full of ruins, bread, cheese, vespas, journals, pictures, hotels, and life.
Full of life.
That's where I want to be because nothing else really matters right now.

I get to leave behind the bad grades,
the family obligations,
the mediocrity,
the temptations,
the pain and troubles
of the everyday life of a girl
trying to live her life.

I get to escape for a summer
to a place unknown,
to adventures undiscovered.

I love my life, don't get me wrong.
I wouldn't change it for anything.
But rare is the love that lets go.
And for once I'm taking the easy way out
out and over an ocean,
out and over the mess I've made.

This is going to be an amazing experience.
Friday hasn't come soon enough.

2006-05-04T09:20:00.000-04:00

life is cruel
and I realize that I'm a disgusting human being
who doesn't deserve the blessings in life that I have.

God has graced me with so much and I have nothing to give in return.

For that I am ashamed.

learning about life

2006-04-23T23:43:00.000-04:00

So I'm trying this new thing called life.
I think I've been doing it all wrong from the start.
I ended up being the one thing I dispise,
something mediocre,
something in between,
something lukewarm.
All the things I thought I wanted turns out to be the things that I never really needed.
While at the same time all that I ever really needed was right there in front of me.
I mean I thought everything I did had to impress someone else.
My drafts had to make my studio envious,
my looks had to make an impression.
Some part of me had to be given away so that I may be satisified with my existence.
I am so dumb.
So for the past few weeks I've thrown aside all the things I thought I wanted,
and focused on the one thing that truley wanted me, all of me and nothing less.
So I'm re-evaluating this thing I do called life,
and try to do it not for myself,
but for my God of great and immeasurable power.
And you know what?
Life is actually ok.
For the first time I'm holding my impulses back,
I'm not going to move unless it's the will of God,
I'm not going to speak unless it's based on love,
I'm not going to live unless it's for the praise of the Lord.
Because I know he will take care of everything,
and I know that he knows what my heart truley desires
and he won't deny me of that.
And because of that I am comforted,
I am made known to God
in all my faults,
in all my falls,
in my weaknesses and unholy desires,
but he knows all that and dispite all that he still loves all of me.
broken and he still calls me to be a saint.
Who am I to be a saint?
and who am I to someday deserve a man who loves God so much
as to praise him everyday with everything he does.
I have to be a better woman in God's eyes before I deserve a man like that.
and so goes on this thing called life,
and here I go through it doing the best I can,
and going through it for one reason only...

broken thoughts

2006-04-12T00:24:00.000-04:00

"Do not lag in zeal" almost a month ago I could not form the words of prayer from my mouth. I had forgotten how to praise and rejoice because I didn't know what to rejoice in anymore. Nothing was going right, I was in the valley of my high and struggling to get back up.
"BE PATIENT IN SUFFERING!"
I have absolutly no patience in my life right now,
I want school to be over, I want my research to be done, I want everyone to get right with God on my time,
me, me, me, i want, i want, i want
but my time is not the perfect time.
I just pray everyday that something would happen to make a change,
and then when my patience ran out I caused my own change
make my own difference in my own time
not trusting God in his majesty.
but first I need to change myself-
my habits, my hopes, my desires.
I need to point myself back in the right direction and stop focusing on what could have been and start focusing on what is to become...(Phillipians 3:13)
I pray that I may find my "Peace in believing". I pray that my endeavors though Christ and my desire to know him more will not go unoticed. I want to be able to walk around with joy in my heart with the knowledge that God is in my heart and that he loves me.
If I have that, then I have everything.
And right now I'm sick of worrying and wondering.
I am called to something greater than what this world has to offer.
So I don't need to waste my time worrying about the things that won't mean anything. I need to stop focusing my worries on school, work, money, and boys. I need to live for the hope that's been given to me, a hope that promise more than what this world has to offer. I don't need to worry and waste my life because I know that the God of great and immeasurable power will take care of me and offer me more than this world has to offer.

I was at worship the other night. There wasn't a lot of people there, even most of the band that was playing was left. There was no more distraction for me. It was just the beautiful sound of the guitar, my voice, and my God and no one else. Earlier that day I was in adoration for about an hour and a half, man I needed that so badly, just to sit and front of Jesus and stop talking and just be. "Be still" (Psalm 4:9) thats all I needed to do. It all felt so right to just be with God and not distract myself with anything else.
So at common ground that night that's all there was, just God and me,
and I pray that this may not be a hill in my valley where I will eventually fall from again. I pray that I will stop falling, I pray that I will stop failing my God.
Everything is starting to be ok now.

with nothing to say:

2006-03-12T02:16:00.000-05:00

Days till Spring break: 6
Tomorrow will be: Sunday, sunny, one last rest day before an intense studio week
Currently on repeat on iTunes: "So Sick" by Ne-Yo, because I am
Earlier I was: Tresspassing construction sites, skipping on rooftops, laughing way to loudly at a resturant, getting stuck in a bathroom, watching a movie, listening to Spanish music.
While wishing I was: In a 3rd world country on a hammock, top in the class, over him, sleeping in, driving my Honda with the windows down, closer to God, somewhere else in my life.
While knowing what I need to do is: Go to bed (it's 2 am), go to studio and be ambitious, be ambitious, Trust in the Lord (Psalms 37:3), move on, rest.
Now I'm going to: read, write down whats in my head, sleep.

glass bottles

2006-02-20T23:52:00.000-05:00

So I sucessfully spent my 20th birthday on a connecting flight from Paris to Geneva while two French stweardesses with heavy accents proceeded to sing Happy Birthday to me.
It was pretty cool I must admit.
I went to Switzerland with my father this weekend on a whim.
It was pretty fun, more like refreshing.
I havn't been in a foriegn country for a while, since Colombia I guess.
There's just something so reassuring about coke and water served in glass bottles.
It's not like the endless fountain drink refills you can get here in America.
You get one glass bottle at a time, which makes you stop
slow down,
take your time, and enjoy life.
Rathar than sipping mindlessly on your everlasting glass
not taking into account that things don't last forever and come as easy as this free refill.
Thats why here in a foriegn country you can realize that things come to an end,
so make the best of what you got.
Take your time on your glass of coke, take some time on your life.
No need to rush through it.
When you sit down at a resturant in a country such as that,
you're not rushed to take your order,
you don't rush to get your ticket after you're done.
You take time to talk to the company you are with,
and enjoy life.
Just think about life, contemplate on it, appreciate it.
Ask me where I was on Sunday morning:
"where were you on Sunday morning?"
I was in a jump seat next to my dad on an Air France flight,
talking to one of the most fascinating stewardesses I have ever met.
She had this amazing French accent and spoke English superbly.
She talked about how she loves the company on international flights,
how she had a passion for meeting good people rathar then studying finances.
People like that bring a level of comfort in my life.
People who know that there is more out there than what is in front of them.
People who take the time with their glass bottles.

let's get outta here...

2006-02-12T00:30:00.000-05:00

Start time: 00:00
Gnocci with fungi sauce and a linear conversation at the bar.
Free coffee that we didn't want and a first attempt at gelato
Get in jeep
And that's where it really starts.
First we drove until we could decide where to drive
While looking at what we could at the skyscrapers above us.
Then we wanted to be saved by Jesus at a neon sign that I've always seen from the highway.
Then we found ourselves at Aubrn Avenue.
Some five points and resturants too.
Shady sleepy homeless people wandering around.
Then all of a sudden we're in a nice neighborhood,
with a trolly barn filled with some party.
Danny and I went in to find a "menu" but instead ended up invading a party with a coat check while Ben circled the block.
Jack and Jill's party was where we were at, and I was very underdressed.
Sorry we couldn't stay Jack and Jill.
Then we drove around some more.
Then we found a concert of a band we once heard.
Of Montreal!!
but alas, they started at 8:30 and it was already 11pm.
But we stopped by and found out that they were just about to start,
and there were exactly 3 tickets left.
What a coincidence, like a sign that we were supposed to go!
But when I turned back to the car to tell Ben and Dan of my good news,
three people walked up and stole our fate.
So off we went down the road again and parked at "Neighbors"
where we tried to go to many places, but this is how it went down:
"Two dollar cover charge please, 21 and up"
"ID please, 21 and up"
"Is this the line?" "No we just like standing in the cold!"
So back to the car we go, and down the road we went
Trying to stay as far away from Tech as possible.
Stopped by an art instillation of concrete pillars while Ben's car is parked on the sidewalk.
Ran a couple "yellow" lights.
Ended back in Midtown where everything looked all too familiar.
The question of the night would have to be,
"Is that open??"
But nothing really was, Atlanta has a way of being all too cool and sucking at the same time.
After driving for 3 hours, with 3 good friends, through 3 parts of Atlanta
we called it a night.
We drove down 10th past Piedmont Park,
and I couldn't help but stare and remember.
I was sad for a moment, but then thought of this wonderful night that was right in front of me.
I wasn't over it, but I'm overcoming it.
Then back on campus we were,
sad and depressing as it is.
But we come back with the realization that there is something else outside of these physics books and cardboard models of ours.
And that's so much better than nothing.

silhouettes and switzerland

2006-02-05T01:19:00.000-05:00

These past two weeks have become something like a dream.
Where I find myself wanting to feel one way,
and forced to feel another.
There are all these voices in my life
everywhere I go,
when the only place I want to go is down the street and up the stairs.
Even though that's not where I need to be.
Even though I felt like my life was slighted,
my plans have been cheated,
all for the sake of something I cannot fathom.

All for God's perfect plan which is slowly being revealed to me.
Even though I still want to run,
because I'm scared of what I'm going to lose,
or how I'm going to fail.
I just wish life was a little easier,
just like Switzerland.
It's got no battles between anyone else.
It just goes on living this mysterious swiss life that no one really understands,
and that's ok because everyone likes them
for some reason they cannot recall.
I want to be a silhouette
in some sky, someplace, somewhere far from here.
Something so clear, so crisp, yet so unreachable at the same time.
I want to be on the phone,
in a dress, on a couch, in a car, with a coat,
in someone's arms.
I want to be someplace where I'm not supposed to be.
I want to be with someone who I can't have,
I'm just a lonley silhouette in Switzerland.

my own black hole

2006-01-31T00:16:00.000-05:00

There's a moment, in the shower, when all your hair is wet and it all sticks to the outside of your head, just right next to your ear.
In that moment, your water sounds like a thousand cars rushing at you,
like you're trapped behind a waterfall,
like a million stars are all exploding in your head.
It's like
you've removed yourself from the shower and you're standing in your own black hole.
That's when I close my eyes and imagine that nothing else is around me.
I have no more troubles, no more responsibilities,
no one who is sad, or hurt, or confused.
No financial, economical, humanitarian, or spiritual connections,
just me and my own black hole.
Here I'm disconnecting myself from this perfect world that I thought I once had.
The perfect school, the perfect major, the perfect weather and pair of socks.
The perfect friends and roomates, perfect selection of music.
I always had this "perfect" life that I thought was so put together.
I always had the grades, the guy, the perfect balance of social and spiritual values.
So what more did I need? What could I possibly pray for that I didn't already have.
brokeness.
me and my stupid prayer for brokeness.
Ask God and he won't deny you what you really need.
And what I needed was this brokeness to let me know that everything wasn't alright.
That perfection didn't depend on me or my endeavors,
but on God alone.
So here I stand, broken,
without the perfect grades, with friends who don't know you anymore, with this financial "situation",
with this uneasiness about my faith and without the guy.
The final two are the most shatterd peices I find myself in.
My whole life I realize now has been this series of events, series of emotions, moments of happiness, parts of revelation.
Nothing consistant but this faith I have in order to have a foundation.
I need to develop a lifestyle, not just a life of styles.
I need to stop being waivered by other opinions and form some of my own.
I've been a sponge too long in this world,
I soak up all it has to offer,
the foods, the cultures, the arts, the wonderful creation around me,
I soak it all in so I can be what you call "well rounded"
I soak it all in because I love it, you can't go through life without accepting what's around you.
but a sponge has no backbone.
So here I am, a little sponge in her own black hole,
which in micro-spect, is just a figure in a shower stall.
I realize that I'm taking up all the hot water,
so I pull my hair back and hear the water crash against the tiles.
And here I go crashing back into this mess I made.

on faith: coming to the point of near concussion

2006-01-22T01:10:00.000-05:00

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your gentleness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:4-7

This verse has given me so much comfort these past few months with all that I struggle with. I think I tend to try to work things out myself. When I take a hard fall on my snowboard, I get up and go, even if I'm at the point of a concussion. I refuse help from anyone else partially because I want to prove that I can do it by myself and partially I never want to bother anyone about my issues. When it comes to snowboarding that's fine, I realize that when it comes to life, it's not.

I'm at my point of near concussion and I realize that I can't do this with my own will. I can't keep up with myself by myself. I think I have dissapointed myself in my endeavors, and now I need to turn for help, not to friends, family, mentors, etc, but to the one person that has failed to dissapoint me to this day.

For all these years I thought I have given my life wholly up to him, but in reality I still try to control it with this twine of pride wrapped around my finger. I pray for brokeness, and that's what I'm getting. I need the patience to know that God will come and be with me in my brokeness in all that I do. Giving up my broken peices for someone else to heal, and that to me is terrifying.

"Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of priase, think about these things. Keep on doing the things that you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you."

music and memories

2006-01-16T17:49:00.000-05:00

New found Glory: Reminds me of: Driving around in Danny O's old red integra in the summertime
BBMak: London in the summertime
Beulah: Kevin, Snowboarding, Freshman Year
Black Eyed Peas "Smells like Funk": Cleaning in the 002
Bon Jovi "Living on a Prayer": Black and White party, Fusilli
Bryan Adams "Summer of 69' ": 8th grade summer, Napstar, dial-up, aim
BT "Somnambulis" : Carina, Micheal Vincent
Carbon Leaf: Driving around in a black civic in the summer time sweating
Cake: Karen Noble, Kwickie trips, Laffy Taffys, clay figures in toaster oven
Cherry Poppin Daddies: Napster, aim
Coldplay (A Rush of Blood to the Head): California, racing cars, white Integra type R's, crush on Robbie
Coldplay (Parachutes): Middle school, MTV
Coldplay (X&Y): Jacob and Carey
Common Rider: Matt, Spring break '04, firewood search
The Corrs: Europe and all that good stuff
Daddy Yankee: CLUBBING IN COLOMBIA BABY
The Darkness "I believe in a thing called love" : 7am alarm
Dave Matthews Band: Driving across a bridge in florida in Ben's Jeep with the top off
Death Cab (We have the facts and we're voting yes): Road trip with the cousins from SF to LA
Decemberists: Camping trip
Fall out Boy "Sugar we're going down swinging": Fiji Habitat trip and Ryan Knight ("COCK IT AND PULL IT!")
Fastball: Ashley Dunham
Five for Fighting: Chase Manhattan Commercial
Foo Fighters "Everlong (Acoustic)": Driving at night in the summertime with the windows down from Church
Format: Driving with Danny, Carina, the 002
Frou Frou: Carina, stealing Tim's car for Thanksgiving break
Fuel "Shimmer" : me and Sophie's "throw down" for Brandon, Laura and I's "Music video"
Gavin DeGraw: Brittian music jams with Jeff Box, Brad Shomaker, David Dalton, and Ruben Bidez, letters to Jacob
Goldfinger: Mark Touchstone, my first kiss
Goo Goo Dolls: Middle school dances
Gorillaz: ADX rush '05, underdog dancing, frat boys
Guster "Demons": the back of Allison Skala's camero on the way to church
Hilary Duff: Italy, summertime
Incubus "drive": Sohpie's old house
Incubus "Aqueous Transmission": Late nights at Jon and Oscars
Jason Mraz: ADX Date night '05, crushes on boys
Jem: Smelling like fish after work, dating Alex, mexican workers, Famous Fish, dirty apartments
Juanes: Colombia, of course! Hotel in Bogota with nasty drinks and great burgers
Jump Little Children "Mexico": Becca, the 002
The Killers: my yellow couch at home, slideshows
Kanye West "Touch the Sky": Fiji Habitat trip, Brad's Mazda, The Fog, Human Dominoes
Lifehouse: Sophie, Middle school
Liz Phair: Disney world, crush on high school quarterback Andy
Maroon 5: Driving home from High school, Maroon 5 concert in Athens, Senior year Ski Trip
Marvelous 3: Boating with Karen and family
Micheal Buble "Sway": Tim teaching me how to Salsa at 2 am
Modest Mouse: New Orleans, mexican thrift shops, cousin Kim, Ben from Seaside
The Music: Jacob
Natasha Bedingfield: Dancing
New Radicals: summer in France
Newsboys: Life Teen
Nine Days: My life
Oasis "Wonderwall": Learnign Guitar, Tim, Heron
Of Montreal: Jon, Spring break '05, Ben, Ethan
OK Go: Fourth of July traffic, searching for firewood, getting lost, being in the car with Laura
Pachabel "Cannon in D": Painting clouds in my room
Pink Floyd: trying to figure out how to safely light inscene in Meg's focus wagon
The Postal Service: Freshman year in the 002, freshman year in the 002, freshman year in the 002
Savage Garden: Middle school crushes
Sense Field "Save Yourself" : Jeff and his guitar, green futon couch with only the lamp on
Snow Patrol: Ethan
Sugar Ray (14:59): Banjo Kazooie, N64, Summertime
Sugar Ray (Sugar Ray) "When It's Over": Crushing on Brandon while he's on a date, wishing they would break up
Sugar Ray (Sugar Ray): SUMMER! Summer without a car
Sugarcult: Wakboarding, or just watching it on DVD
Switchfoot "A New way to be Human": James Demby
Thrid Day "When the Rain comes": Crying while my cousin sneaks away at night
U2: Walgreens parking lot with Kevin and Micheal
Vanessa Carlton "A Thousand Miles": Sohpie and her piano
Yellowcard "Empty Apartment": Alex and his apartment
Yellowcard "One Year Six Months": Senior Year prom party, having a crush on someone elses date, guitar
Yellowcard "View from Heaven": square dancing with Laura in seaside

a week in the life of me

2006-01-13T01:10:00.000-05:00

Monday: wake up. decide to go snowboarding. go to some classes with an ungodly amount of breaks compared to last two semesters. world's fastest grocery run. go to studio and get mixed feelings about new instructor. pay some respects. zaxbys. Casanova again! such an awesome movie!
Tuesday: sleep in because of lack of classes. run errands. get a new tv! try to hang out with Kevin but it didn't work. went to Atlantic Station with Danny and shopped. came back to watch Madagascar on the new screen. Tim comes over and we head to Piedmont park. presented with sweetest Christmas present ever. Just layed in the grass and just was....amazing.
Wednesday: LONGEST HUMP DAY EVER! class straight from 9am-6pm. discovered that my instructor is seemingly psychotic. go to really long chapter meeting. attempt to hang out with Kevin (again) and Laura, came out too late. Watched a Murder by Numbers.
Thursday: Slept in (no classes). Juniors Lunch. Some errands for Lambda Sigmahhhhh. ate dinner with Ethan. ate dinner with girls. target GREATLAND (it does exist). ate dinner with Tim (sushi yea!). confusing hotel phone calls. photoshopped to Finding Nemo. Blog. Sleep.
Friday-Sunday: class. life. SNOWBOARDING!

R.I.P.

2006-01-06T01:31:00.000-05:00

Time of death: 1:27 am; January 6, 2006.
Macabee is dead.
I really suck at keeping fish.
They're like the stupidest animal to take care of.
I feel like a failure.
Friggin Trousers has been alive for a year!
A pair of pants has lived longer than a Biblical character,
now tell me, what's the justice in that.

Maccabee is bulimic.

2005-12-29T23:38:00.000-05:00

Maccabee is bulimic.
I bought a fish today. That's what I do when I'm in a state of confusion or upset.
I buy things.
Sometimes it's clothes, sometimes it's a cup of hot tea, a mindless magazine, or maybe it's a book that I will judge by its cover.
This time it was a goldfish named Maccabee.
I named him Maccabee because it was the book of the Bible that I was reading at the moment.
Last fish that I had was Jeremiah, named after the young married man that scooped him out of the tank for me and Laura at 3 am in Wal-Mart.
I bought Maccabee because he is not a gold fish, he's got not a speck of gold on him.
He's black like the hour after dusk, like a smudge of charcoal, like the color of the hair of someone I care about.
Maccabee is small, dark, and fishy.
Maccabee reminds me of that someone I care about in some aspects.
People call him a gold fish, but when you see him you don't get what you expect.
You get something more spectacular and captivating.
Much like that someone I care about.
It is a little dissapointing though,
that Maccabee happily eats his TetraFin Goldfish Crisps with advanced clear water formula with spirulina algae for concentrated color in front of me,
But when he thinks I'm not looking, he spits it out.
I have a bulimic fish.
It's ok though, although it is a little bit dissapointing,
I forgive him and care about him.
Kind of like that someone I care about,
Without the bulimia and the company of Jar Jar Binks in his tank.
That someone I care about does not have bulima,
but he does have the company of a girl who owns a fish named Maccabee in his heart still.
Dispite the stumbles along the way.

early new year's resolution

2005-12-27T01:05:00.000-05:00

ok, I could commit to doing more crunches for my abs, take more pictures of my friends, laugh more, or call home more often, but I was going to do that anyway, without any effort, well, maybe except the crunches part.
But for a new year's resolution to be completly sucessfull, it's got to be a bit of a challenge.
I'm not going to yell in traffic when people cut in front of me.
I'm going to practice patience.
I'm going to smile at the everyday things and delight in God's love for me.
I'm going to participate in joy.
I'm not going to stress out over things.
I'm going to delight in peace.
I'm going to remember birthdays, favorite colors, and names.
I'm going to develop more kindness.
I'm going to try to do something more than watch tv, facebook, and shop.
I'm going to practice goodness.
I'm going to be more consistant in my ideals and standards.
I'm going to be more faithfull.
I'm not going to give in to the world.
I'm going to practice self-control.
I'm going to try and sacrifice for something worth more than I can imagine.
I'm going to love.
I'm going to do all this in order to become a better person,
so that someday I might gain the best person for me.
so please excuse me, I have a lot of work to do.
Let's start with some crunches...

these are not my feet...

2005-12-10T14:00:00.000-05:00

These are not my feet. I'm freaking out because somtime between now and this past Saturday I have seemed to misplace them. They are probably under my crap pile of chipboard, trace, basswood, and wingnuts in studio, where, I have sucessfully spent 69.5 hours in. I lived and breathed studio, I might have dreamed of it as well, but sleep was not an option for these past two 72 hours. Yet these sleepless nights have been deleirously awesome. These past two 72 hours I have acomplished things that men dream of acomplishing all their lives. I have spent two solid hours drawing 13 lines. I have steamed wood to impossibly tight curves and ate unspeakable meals composed of wingnuts, fries, doughnuts, whole milk, coke, cherry coke, sweet and sour sauce, and mainly anything that was edible in the room at 3am. I've managed to find my long lost music twins Noelle and Noel. I have said the word "eff" more times than I care to remember and I have managed to spend 22 solid hours on a kick "A" basswood model. Check out its sweetness over there on the left. So somwhere lost in the glue of the basswood model and the linewights of my drafts I have seemed to misplace my mind. I have been unable to communicate with the world outside of studio. I have seemed to forget how to eat spagetti like a civilized human being. And I also don't recognize my feet. It was Tuesday at 10 when we stopped working and the time between 5 and 10pm I felt like I couldn't breathe. Like I was holding my breath for about 5 hours. Poor Ben has a buzzing feeling in his heart, and Sam has bloodshot eyes like a mad man. Me on the other hand, I seem to not recognize these feet as I lay delerioiusly numb on the red couches. Someone please save me, I want my sanity back.
Nah-huh-yay-hee, get that wingnut off the floor.

Looking for snow, finding the moon

2005-11-21T17:23:00.000-05:00

So tonight had to be one of the coolest nights I've had in a long time. I think the number of 'coolest nights' I've had has multiplied since I've been with Tim, go figure.
I went over to his room to just say hi and hang out for a little while, I told my roomate I'd be back in 15 minutes, and for some reason I thought I'd be back in 15 mintues, ha.
Well we decided to try and go to get some Coffee because he was craving it, so we drove and ended up at a gas station where he got a cup of hot chocolate.
We talked about life, love, and the pursit of happiness,
And then we ended up at Lookout Mountain Tenessee.
It was so beautiful there at night, and cold!
But not cold enough for snow :(
But it was great to spend that time together, like we don't spend enough time together.
Got stuck in traffic for about 2 hours on the way home and didn't get back till 8:30 am.
My roomate called around 8 am and wondered why I wasn't back in 15 mintues.
And our hot chocolate was cold, so we dumped it out while we waited in traffic with the semi-trucks.
*sigh*

Sway me smooth, sway me now...

2005-11-17T00:42:00.000-05:00

Saturday was amazing.
Full of music, dancing, laughs, and butterflies in my stomach.
Tim took me out on Saturday since it was one whole painful week since he's been home, haha. Anyway, we went out to Blue Point for dinner and after that he took me out to the Symphony. It was beautiful. It was my first time to the Symphony, we were late and had to sit in the back, but it was still amazing. After that it was the opening of the High and we walked around the museum for a while and got to see some beautiful works of art and the new addition to the High. The night couldn't have been better, oh but it was. Afterwards we went back to his place and just hung out. Made some hot tea and a "special chart" and a quick and dirty lesson in salsa dancing. The night couldn't have ended better, I don't think I'll ever get burnt out.
There's a passion there that I can't put my finger on!
Pushing the line, Praising the Lord, earning our stars and seeing them too.
*sigh* that's all I can say because there's so much more...

been a good Monday, lets keep the trend alive...

2005-11-07T23:19:00.000-05:00

Today's been pretty good for a Monday.
I've been worrying all yesterday about my Studio work fearing that it may be mediocre,
Instead my review went quite well.
Then I got to take a nap at the Campinelle because it was 83 degrees outside and I had 20 minutes free.
Thats when we decided to run away to Florida next weekend, I don't see why not...
Then studio rocked, my review rocked, but then sometimes I realize that I should speak when I'm tired or I tend to yell things like "CREEK!" when it was meant for only myself.
Atlanta was originally named "Pith Tree" which turned into "Peachtree" and not named after "Peachtree CREEK!" fyi...geez
Then I had an hour nap then went to meal plan which made my week start awesome!
I came up to PKT and Memphis and Nick yelled "blahe behwh STEPHANIE belhg bweli TIM" (thats what I heard from it)
Apparently he said, "STEPHANIE! here's a message from TIM!"
Then Nick started to drop a beat and Memphis jumped on the table and sang at the top of his lungs "Heeeyy HeeEEEYY BABY! Tim wants to knOOW OH OH, if you'll be his date!"
Then he handed me a fudge shaped heart with enough sugar to put me in a coma.
Then Tim called and was like, "See, I told you I didn't want to ask you over the phone!"
I'm amazed by this boy, fo real.

yays and nays

2005-11-05T23:18:00.000-05:00

yay for my AWESOME ALLISON coming to visit this weekend!
yay for winning the game
nay for a week with three tests and a project
yay for kicking "A" on the three tests and projects
nay for Tim leaving me for a week (haha)
yay for lemon flavored water
yay for frozen strawberries and whipped cream
yay for Atlantic Station
yaish/nay for $8 lip gloss that is freakin awesome (yay for the awesomeness, nay for the $)
nay for missing license plates :(
yay for having a link to the person I'm in a relationship with on facebook (yes i'm that nerdy)
yay for being nerdy
yay for Renzo Piano
yay for Renzo saying that it's ok to be crazy...
yay for Renzo being a "bad boy of architecture"...
SUPER NAY FOR MY INSTRUCTOR FRED WHO IS A POOP FACE!
nay for studio all day Sunday
yay for sighs and naps
nay for a really hard major
yay for butterflies in my stomach

:)

2005-10-30T10:44:00.000-05:00

It's been a good week for me dispite my lack of sleep and hours in the day. Things never really did work out between me and Dan. I mean people ask what happend between us, and I can honestly say nothing because he never called me back. I guess he has this fear of confrontation and an ingrained mindset that girls should pursue guys, but forget that, I should have been treated better. After getting over some drama and some uneccessary but quite sweet first kisses I was able to "chase the moon" with Tim without any worries. I guess it started when we were rolling down the grass in Piedmont park at 11 at night and I guess that's when I was like, crap, I'm attracted and there's nothing I can do about it. I guess Tim could put on his resume that he was the first Asian guy that I've ever dated, haha. But I guess he's not that sterotypical Asian guy who loves math equations, or super chargers. He's pretty much one of the sweetest guys I know who makes me have butterflies in my stomach when I see him. I really appreciate his willingness to be "tied down" by me ;) and his honesty and his eagerness to start a relationship on the right foot with me by wanting to make it perfect in every way. I mean shouldn't everyone want that? I know I do.

Sorry for my un availability but...

2005-10-29T01:23:00.000-04:00

these past few weeks have been completly non stop for me. Between Studio reivews, homecoming, run-n-hide, chicken wire molds of Buzz and just life in general I feel as though my life has become this long strip of duct tape that attracts and latches on every responsibility and commitment available and binds me down to my busy life. But hey I wouldn't have my life any other way right? I guess I like having responsibilities and duties and keeping myself busy and all. If you even knew me one bit you know that I love being involved. The only flaw in this life of mine is that I havn't seen friends the way I used to see them all the time. For anyone reading this and has experienced the burn of the lack of Stephanie T. Nguyen in your life, I truley do apologize. Believe me when I say I'm busy. You can look at my calander book if you would like. I even had to write one weekend, "my first free weekend" in order to clarify that I had one. Now for some personal apologies:
to Nahte: I loved being in the enchanted forest with you and playing golf and making 90 degree turns, sorry I havn't had time to do much of that lately, you do live on the other side of the world now on west campus...
to Heather: coffee will happen, even though I don't like coffee, but you rock my face off and I know you're busy too
to Mom and Dad: sorry I havn't been home for a period of more than 42 consecutive hours. I will end up staying there someday don't worry.
to Jon: Yes we did hang out all the flipping time last year, I have no idea where all that free time came from, but I guess as Pegah said: "you do so much better work when you're not with Jon" haha, wow that's a burn. But we will I promise.
to Jacob: you rock my world and always will and I'm sorry that I havn't been able to talk to you on the phone for a while. It doesn't mean i'm trying to aviod you or anything you dork.
to Danny: Sorry I freak out everytime I see you but it's because I never see you but I can't wait until we get to spend study abroad together.

other than all those apologies left unwritten, but they're still there, and I'm still here and I still love you all.

That vampire was crunk??

2005-10-20T01:56:00.000-04:00

So it's been a crazy fall break at West Palm Beach.
In between building houses I was busy being thirsty, getting sun, stealing tiles, and meeting new people.
So it wasn't completly lame of Gouda and I for wanting to stay in and watch some good old tv. Let's just call it catching up with a good friend.
I got schooled by the rock/paved road that was in the ocean during the trip, it was a nice reminder while kneeling on the roof with nails of shame and oddly cut pieces of siding.
I had most definatly found my limit on food at the resturant on Sunday night. After eating some smothered chicken I proceeded to eat dessert with my new found Nutty Buddy. It was awesome except for that explosion feeling that I had for the next hour.
Then there was some fog.
Never see the movie, The Fog.
I mean, this has to be the worst movie I've ever seen in my life, well i guess I couldn't really see it on account that it was so foggy.
Oh and I met a 5 year old boy at church who said that there was a bear and a vampire in the church and that the vampire was getting crunk so he had to go and take care of it.
Interesting eh?

A List of Things to Do in my life:

2005-10-09T17:03:00.001-04:00

1. Go back to Vietnam
2. Take a shot of live cobra heart
3. Befriend a motorcyclist (done)
4. Read the entire Bible
5. Visit Hati
6. Meet a tiger (done update 08')
7. Eat fresh durian without throwing up
8. Befriend a Monk
9. Live in California
10. Dance with a stranger (done)
11. Hike a trail and camp
12. Write a song
13. Befriend a Taiwanese monk with an orange robe
14. Visit Pope John Paul's II tomb (done)
15. Go to another WYD
16. Swim in a lagoon (done update 10')
17. Repell down a waterfall
18. Get stranded on an island
19. Build a church
20. Swim in the dead sea
21. Sleep in a castle
22. Run with the bulls in Spain
23. Dance in a hula skirt
24. Meet/befriend an Eskimo
25. Touch a penguin
26. Deep sea scuba dive
27. Sail a tall ship!!! Or own one!!
28. Visit an 8th wonder of the world (done)
29. Walk the great wall of China
30. Learn the "F" chord on the guitar
31. Paint a mural
32. Swim with the polar bear club
33. Climb a coconut tree
34. Zip line through the rainforest
35. Live in a foriegn country
36. Save a life
37. Learn to surf (halfway there)
38. Discover/explore a secret passageway
39. Swim with sharks!
40. Hang out in a hot spring
41. Swim in a volcano (done! see colombia pictures)
42. Skydive
43. Build a chair
44. Fly a plane!
45. Be in protest
46. Make this list longer

party shuffle mode

2005-10-03T01:15:00.000-04:00

*sigh*
the weekend is over unfortunatly. I am sitting here procrastinating on the many diagrams that I have to finish for tomorrow. God cancelled my first class of the day on Monday for me so that I may have some time to recover from this eventful weekend.
Friday night was our semi-formal. It was at the Georgian Terrence. It was B-eutiful! there! Me, Dan, Erica, and Rye tried to find the Terrence after dinner, but "unfortunaly" stumbled upon the rooftop of the hotel instead. There we found a rooftop swimming pool and a breathtaking view of the Atlanta skyline surrounding us. It was so awesome. The DJ rocked, and the company was awesome. Unfortunatly we had to leave relativly early so Dan could rest and take the LSat the next morning. Which was fine by me for two reasons: 1) I had to wake up at the butt crack of dawn to go to a soup kitchen, and 2) We could make up for what we missed at Fiji's semiformal!
So yea Saturday night was Fiji's semiformal at the Omni, omknee? okhanee? My date didn't have a clue. Loca Lunas was the destination for dinner which rocked up until the waiter spilled 30 drinks on the poor girl sitting in front of me. After dinner we went to Fiji to hang out and watch Dan do the Rubix cube. Yes, the actual rubix cube...comment of the day would go to Ashley when she asked, "wait, you really do mean rubix cube? like the actual cube and not a drink?" hahahahah. So we rocked that for a while then hopped on the bus to the hotel where we shook our tailfeathers and such to a DJ with hella scratched records. Bleh. I just like to think of it as the remix of the remix? Afterwards we went back and chilled until the 3 am drop off of the night. Sigh, what a great weekend!

who am i?

2005-10-01T00:37:00.000-04:00

So my hair is now red,
I was dared to do it and I accepted.
I kind of like it now,
It looks very asian of me.
Maybe now I can be in the asian mafia
that I was never invited to join.
I have a new name now,
Somthing that has to do with "little beans" in Chinese...
I told the mafia co leader that we should start a club,
in which asians with red streaks in their hair should join.

I am the queen...

2005-09-27T10:45:00.000-04:00

...of procrastination.
I feel as though procrastination is the only way I stay sane. Procrastination is my only outlet of this crazy semester I've been having. Procrastination is the only way I have a life. What is it that I'm procrasting from? What else but my one true love....Studio. My life.
This weekend going home was almost pointless besides a one good meal and being able to sleep in.
I got my lil sis anellini!!! I'm so stoked, she's such a sweetheart! I can't wait till we find time to hang out with each other haha.
Sunday when I came back I had to go to a sorority date night with Chi Psi our neighbors. We went to a Braves game. It was pretty fun. Then I came back and took a nap, then I went on my date with Dan. I would have to say that this date was sufficiently better than the collective fraternity date earlier that day. We went out to some Ru Sans sushi and then went back to Fiji to watch a movie. I had to go to a house meeting at 10, so that was my curfew for the night. I would have to say the date ended pretty darn well ;)
Now I got the rest of the week to face, some more studio, drafting, dreaming of drafting...I had a dream earlier in my nap while I was procrastinating:
I was dreaming that My studio was outdoors, and there was this hill to my right, and the hill was made of sand and it lead to a beautiful beach with crashing waves and people having fun. I wanted to run and go to the beach and swim and surf and just get away from my drafting, but my instructor wouldn't let us because he said that Katrina would blow away our drafts if we left. But I tried to run anyway, but I found that I was chained to the desk.
Now tell me if that isn't a message from my subconcious.

That was crunk

2005-09-16T23:53:00.000-04:00

Woah! The black and white party was sooo tiight! At first it started off kind of slow with tons of people in our house and no one on the dance floor. Then we just made our way to the dance floor and all got the party started! There were beautiful white Christmas lights and chinese lanterns everywere. We got a lot of black and white desserts and everythign looked amazing! I met a lot of great people last night, and I thought it was pretty sweet that the DJ equipment was plugged into my room. We got the police called on us twice and the first time AChiO asked us to turn the speakers away from their house since they live right behind us, and then the second time the police came they asked us to turn off the music and put it inside. So with about a gazillion dancin fever infected people, we moved the party upstairs to our extremely small living room with no furniture. There we got crunk in the confides of our house with 120 people dispite the complaints from the Georgia Tech community. I'm so happy that people were excited about our party, I mean, people bought outfits for it!!! (Mad props to Merkle on the Black and White cufflinks!) I met so many awesome people and made a lot of new friends, including a semi-formal date or two :) ADChi knows how to throw it down!

Above: ADX hotties and our sweetheart Rye Bread.
Right: Arti, me, and Dan gettin crunk!

20:54

2005-09-11T02:22:00.000-04:00

That was odd, that is the time I just spent on the phone with a drunken Jacob and a sober Halski. hahaha. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Jacob became incoherent at talking and so I talked to Halski on da phone about life, the army, football, and I can hear Jacob in the background screaming things like "I'm sorry it didn't work out!" and the last "coherent" thing I heard before the battery died was from Jacob and it went something like this:
"I'm sorry it didn't work out. Stephanie! You are my best friend! But in the long run, it wouldn't work out and that sucks! It's kind of like Kermit the frog. I'm Kermit, and you're miss Piggy. And Gonzo. There's always a Gonzo in the way..."
I'm not sure what to think of that. I'm sure he won't remember anything about Kermit in the morning.

A life less ordinary...

2005-09-11T01:46:00.000-04:00

So we had to be mature about it and decide to just be friends. Which is great, I didn't cry like last time and all I shed were a few sentimental tears. Jacob and I were so alike in personality (except that he is selfish :) ) but we were just so different and the different parts were the things that mattered the most in a relationship especially one that would ultimatly lead to marraige. So we decided to just be friends to make it less stressful on the both of us, and it's been great so far. Sure I still miss him, but I think I'm just used to that now. It's all goood.

"So many cities and windows and lives,
And through each one there's a soul that strives to survive
So pay no mind, my sorrow's fine
The day is alive and that's why I cry"

All except for this demanding studio I'm taking right now with Freddy boy. By Monday I have to finish a 1/20" model of Skiles, two 1/4" models of my design along with two more 1/20" model of the same design, and lots and lots of trace of my three design proposals. I only have one. And everything I do is hated by my instructor. I can't wait to be shut down in my review on Monday.

I've also seemed to forget that I have other classes that I have to take here. I mean, I feel like I'm doing nothing but studio....uh oh.

Black and White party is on Thursday. I'm stressed because I'm recieving 150 rsvp's in my mailbox daily and there is no path to the dance floor (the deck) and there are killer mammoth sized mosquitos in the backyard along with a lack of decorations and organization. It's still gonna be pimp though, that's where I hope to find my semi-formal date :)

We'll see what God has in store for me this year. I feel as though there's a lot in store, I can't wait to find out what it is...

"The irony, ask me, where have you been?
I don't know, I dont' know
Because I dont' know where to begin
Too much to do, too much to see
Pictures to take, people to meet
When there's so much space
in between...
it overwhelms me."

We won another game today. 27-20 Gt v UNC. 2-0 winning streak, GO JACKETS!
I'm stoked. This year's the year I feel it, Georgia's goin dooown.

double sigh....

2005-09-03T02:16:00.000-04:00

It's been an exhausting past couple of weeks. I mean everything that could possibly stress a person out has pushed it's stress point in my life. Everything between school, studio, boys, money, random family members, paint, weddings, canker sores, starvation, sleep deprivation, sicknesses and runny noses.
But I know that God will help me through this if i stay faithful to him as he has done for me. Even though I planned to have an awesome year full of fun architecture classes and free tuesdays and thursdays, sleep, and a trouble-free relationship with my boyfriend, I now realize that this isn't going to happen. As I get older I start to realize that things aren't as simple as they seem or as I make it. As you become older, things become complicated, consequences become complicated, complications become complicated. This is a line from Carbon Leaf's song "raise the roof":

"Raise the roof that I might see the stars to gain. Wisdom to recieve things for what they are...."

Instead of stressing out over why things are, I pray that I might gain the wisdom for what they will become.
I sure hope someone is listening.

I'm back!

2005-08-28T00:36:00.000-04:00

Woah, I never realize that two and a half weeks without internet would drive me this crazy. So the week before school started I was living at the ADX house fixing it up. Doing everything from painting every surface, cleaning up weave, dragging heavy carpet across busy streets, standing in dumpsters, and fighting gravity on top of the shoulders of a fraternity guy to tape up ceiling for paint. But the work paid off and the house looks amazing! Check it out:
This is me on top of Will trying to tape up the ceiling on the stairs. Woah was it intense, let me tell you, a human ladder is not a smart idea.

And here on the right is me and the girls tearing down the old letters of the now ADChi house. I am fond of this picture because of the action shot of the falling sigma, which endangerd poor twix's life.

But. TA DA! Here it is in all it's glory. Isn't it beautiful! I'm so happy to be here.

throw down in the ATL

2005-08-07T03:05:00.000-04:00

So the first flower died today. It was yellow and sad looking to begin with.

Went to ATL with Carey and Karen and met up with Laura, Soph, and Jason at their apartment. I came to see that the curtians I slaved on were yet again on the floor and found my new super power as lamp hanging woman.

Then we finally went to Ru Sans and sat outside (immediatly regretting the decision) and at sushi, FINALLY! Then we went back to Lauraphie's for a while before meeting up with Kevin at his place in Marietta. There, we encounterd some Southern Poly love, and most of the rainforest creatures in Kevin's bathroom.

We finally went back to Sophra's and hung around (not eating laura's ice cream if laura ever reads this...) and pretenting to be trashed when Laura called to check on her curtains. Yes laura, it was all an act. I can't belive you possibly thought that me and sophie were having a throw down at your apartment where I of all people, were (what you thought to believe) was emptying out your bottle of Grey Goose. Laura said things on the phone like, "don't do anything weird in my room!" and we were all thinking we should and get caught or something when she came home. We thought we should like all sit around indian style in a circle in her room with candles and a picture of Danny in the middle. That's not too weird I would think?

woah

2005-08-04T22:28:00.000-04:00

I went mad crazy on the walls of facebook tonight. I don't know what drove me too it, it just started with one, and I couldn't stop. I think i need some professional help.

Anyway, I fell asleep staring at my flowers last night and woke up to them this morning. Having them here is like having a small part of Jacob here with me as cheezy as that sounds. Totally sorry for those who read my blog for amusement other than my ramblings about Jacob. I just can't help it.

here are some long needed yays and nays:
nay for the sales clerk who forgot the security tag on my skirt
yay for me being the first girl Jacob's ever bought flowers for
SUPER yay for my gerabera dasies!
yay for chap tea at starbucks
yay for spending 6 hours just talking at starbucks
nay for hot summer days with no shade/breeze
yay for ab workouts paying off (hey I can tell)
mixed yays/nay for school starting in a month
yay for Ikea!
yay for sushi
yay for ADX being so cool
nay for waking up at 5 am for a fundraiser.

2005-08-03T21:59:00.000-04:00

So I came home today to find a beautiful pitcher of daisies sent to me by my Jacob. He totally made my day! Yesterday was one year since our first date. I can't believe it's already been a year. This is the first time he's given me flowers :) I'm going to miss him so much when he leaves for afghanistan for a year. Hopefully that year will go by as fast as this one has.

ok, maybe that was a little dramatic

2005-08-01T23:03:00.000-04:00

Alright, so I definatly got caught up in the moment on that last blog. I was actually typing while she was screaming at me, so it was kind of like emotional typing, a very dangerous thing I hear. So this is what's been going on lately:
I'm currently listening to: The party mix on itunes with songs including, Jars of Clay, Common Rider, The Format, Iron and Wine, Coldplay, The Music, and Gavin DeGraw. Man I really love my music collection, and I don't care if anyone else does.
while talking online to: Thomas, Tyler, Brandon, and my love Jacob. But mostly Jacob. He is in the process of homosexifying his barrack in order to try and get himself kicked out of the army to come back home. haha. In some ways I hope this works, but in others, I really hope it doesn't.
today I: went to ATL with Karen, specificaly, Howey Physics building on campus, Laura and Sophie's palce, Lenox, Ikea (of course), and Barnes and Noble. I almost got pulled over by a cop that I passed going about 80 on the highway, but by some miricale, he sped by me, cut me off and pulled over the girl in front of me. Needless to say, I did the sign of the cross, and thanked God right that moment while Karen laughed at me.
tomorrow I have to: stop by work and plot out some blueprints, drop them off at my clients house, develop some wedding pics for my mother, eat lunch with Carey woo hoo, we've been saying that we should hang out all summer, but it's all been talk but El Ranchero is the destination for tomorrow woot woot, and then I have to go to dinner at Kim's moms house to say by to her grandmother who is leaving for Vietnam on Thursday.
i wish i was: able to go to Becca's lake tomorrow, more in shape, a true californian by birthright, and back at school.

I can't wait until I go back to school, I'm not sure when exactly I get to move in but I can't wait. All my friends are moving away from PTC and here am I, stuck and miserable with no one to play with. I can't wait to be back on campus, with high speed internet, with all my friends from tech, sleeping in the architorture studio, eating out at Ru Sans, hanging out with the roomies watching Alias with Becca, goin to class and learning? or maybe just hanging out at B&N@GT. UGGHH I want to go back to school nowwww! Tomorrow can't come soon enough.

I'm about to commit a murder...

2005-07-31T22:26:00.000-04:00

I'M SERIOUSLY GOING TO KILL MY MOTHER. Yes, my mother, the one who gave me birth, and put food on the table, and semi-supported me thoughout my life. OH MY GOSH! Everytime I talk on the phone with Jacob she feels like I've become completely imcompitent about the simpliest things, like puting a cartridge in the printer, or putting together a tv stand. She like seriously get's pissed off at me for talking on the phone while doing things like that and I have no friggin idea why. Like I was just on the phone with Jacob when I went downstairs and saw a cockroach when I opened the door. I screamed bloody murder and she just came running down the stairs yelling at me and telling me how stupid I am for talking on the phone and screaming in the phone and how "unlady like" it is to do things like that. I'm like, what the heck mother? I saw a friggin cockroach and my initial reaction is to scream and yes, if it was the Pope on the phone I might not have screamed so loud, but it's just Jacob, who loves me dispite my fear for cockroaches and appreciates my talent of multi-tasking while talking on the phone and breathing.
Then this somehow turned into an argument about how incompitent I am at shopping for clothes and how she spent "hours and hours" ironing a skirt i bought that fits FINE! but she tells me that the fabric is cheap and that I've become cheap and I look cheap now and her voice just sounds like nails on a chalkboard to me . Then this turns into how I'm never going to survive college all because I can't pick the right fabric when I buy clothes and this some how connects to my ability to pass a physics class or cook myself dinner.
UGH! Yes, my mother is insane, and she's driving me to it. It's an endless cycle where I will eventually become insane and force myself to project my insanity to my kids, and so on and so on. WEIJ:OINCN:LISRPOQWCNSLDKFJ(P W$Uew(#u V!!!!!!!!!

For insanity, just add water

2005-07-30T23:44:00.000-04:00

So I just sat in the rain for four hours straight at the Amp tonight. I most definatly quit tonight. I'm totally over it. But not after a full night of dancing drunk parents in bright purple ampitheatre ponchos who all looked like dancing plums, drunk people falling all over the place, and sweet talking the owner of Martini's into giving me a free meal from his bar. Oh yeah, I still got the goods.

So tomorrow is going to be exciting, tomorrow, exactly one year ago is when Jacob and I met at the Doobie Brother's concert. I can't believe it's already been a year. I guess time flies when you're in love.

Ampit (sucks)theater

2005-07-30T00:07:00.000-04:00

I really don't know why I still work here. I mean I've worked here for almost 5 years and I just don't see the point. Last year was pretty sweet. I had worked up some major seniority points and managed to be hired as "Assistant Manager" where basically I trained all the new people to do my job and then "supervised". Supervised is also another word for "do nothing but fool around". That's how I met Jacob. I think there's two main reasons why I still work there:
1) I get to work with people. I love to work with people. I love talking to them, interacting with them, watching them dance, laugh at their drunkeness, and just being in that atmoshpere. I mean this internship is such a blessing, but I don't get to work with as many people. And coming from being a waitress or two, working in customer relations and every other job at the Amp, it's killer not being around so many people at once. I mean where else can I talk to a huge muscular guy wearing a baby tee with "loverboy" on it with stolen aviators that he took from the bar tender and was being chased around with?
2) The Amp has so many memories. I mean from my freshman days where I worked with Jamie and Allison and got to goof off and eat lefover gourmet food. I got away with so much stuff you have no idea. That's also the place I met Jacob for the first time. I guess its uber lame, but it's different when we rarley see each other, it's just easier for me remember him, and for me to believe that he's really real if I attatch my emotions to a memory. And I think this place holds a very intense and important memory, one of which all following memories grow upon. I mean I play the memory over and over again to pass the time. The conversation we had, I tried to remember what he looked like, and how he looked at me, and I try to hold on to that feeling of butterflies in my stomach as he asked if I had a pen and we hugged a temporary goodbye. I try to remember that feeling that caused me to race home, take a world record shower, and go back to the Amp to "pick up some boxes" just in case he got off early and decided to go to waffle house with me even though it was like 1:30 am when he finally got off. This is where we met, a great beginning to an amazing love story. I can't quit that now can I?

moving day

2005-07-28T23:48:00.000-04:00

So I think I'm leagally dead of exhaustion right now. Since about 9, I've been up running errands for my boss, and helping Sophie and Laura move into their new apartment in Midtown. It's been crazy. The apartment wasn't ready when Soph and I got there at noon! There was chaulking guns everywhere, and tool boxes, and all the walls and countertops were wet with paint, there was just crap everywhere! So we went to complain and they said that we should come back in like 2 hours. So we went to Ikea and met up with Laura and Karen and stalled for about 4 hours. We came back, and yes, quiet dreadlock dude was still there doing heaven know's what! So Soph and I went back to her palce to get more stuff and finally came back and dreadlock matinance dude wasn't there. Phew! But we did find some paint crackling, dirty drawers, and a window that's about to detach itself from the wall. I feel like a salt lick, I've been sweating so much. Oh yeah, when we finally did get to move in, it started to pour down rain...and this guy stopped by and was like, I don't want to seem weird or anything, but I just wanted to give you guys a welcome gift. Then he proceeded to hand me a bottle of Grey Goose. I was like ummm, alright? I'm not even moving in...and I really don't have any use for this bottle. But it was funny, and he was really nice. Me, Sophie, Laura, and Jason ended up eating sushi on the apartment floor for dinner with makeshift lamps placed around the room for lighting, until Sophie plowed over one on the floor and made it explode. All in all, it was a pretty fun day.

getting through the snuggle zone

2005-07-28T09:36:00.000-04:00

So I was at this amazing Bible study last night where the speaker talked about relationships, dating, and getting through the snuggle zone. I'm not really quite sure what that really means. Something about testing your purity by surviving the snuggle zone. Two main things I remembered from the talk:

True love is like a wheel spoke. God is the center axel and you are running around the wheel trying to find your love, when you do, you two start getting closer to each other as you move towards God and at the same time you are getting closer to God, like two spokes on a wheel.

God is Love.
When you fall in love,
You fall into God.

check out his website: www.Godofdesire.com

Got tattooed?

2005-07-25T23:26:00.000-04:00

So after watching Maimi Ink on TLC I became inspired to give myself a tattoo and see how it goes. Eh, I wasn't too impressed, but I mean it was a pretty crudy tattoo of a hummingbird that kind of looks like it has a humpback, but haha oh well.

I also have just seen maybe the worst movie of my entire life. House of 1000 Corpses, but I'm glad I got to watch it with Karen and Allison because that just made it 10% less gruesome and 45% more fun. Especially when Allison nearly sledgehammered a hole through the wall with her head when she was freaked out by a scary corpse or something crazy like that. Oh good times.

Two sisters and a Wedding!

2005-07-23T23:07:00.000-04:00

Here's Kimberly and me at her wedding tonight. She was the most beautiful bride that I've ever seen. This had to be one of the most exciting yet semi-miserable nights of my recent life. It was exciting to see my older "sister" getting married to the love of her life and serving their lives together in the Lord's love. It was semi-miserable because of two things: black stilettos and the scary thought of having to find that love of my life. One who's love for me will excell above all things but his own love for the Lord. And then being around all of those bridesmaids who have their boyfriends with them and their husbands there supporting them by telling them how beautiful they look and just being around something so beautiful makes me so sad to realize that the man that I love is so far away and that he can't be there for me like that. Just sometimes I become selfish in moments like this and I really an anxious to have him home, but for the rest of the time I try to be as supportive as I can. Anyway, doesn't Kimberly look beautiful? I'm so happy for her!

Wedding Time!!!

2005-07-22T22:08:00.000-04:00

Woah July 23rd just sneaks up on you! New York was a blast! I mean, if I had to be lost in a city sweating like a pig complaining about every thing and getting bothered by gay men with umbrellas, it would be with Laura.

I've been running around getting ready for Kim's wedding. Getting pictures copied, random things like pens and cranberry juice to buy, decorating for the reception, and the chauffering the wedding gown around town. I'm so excited for her, I mean she has found a man that has almost equaled her amazing qualities. I really am looking foward to spending the rest of my life with that man that God leads to me because I know it will be perfect and we will do great things together for Him. It makes me cry when I think about it. I mean I heard the groom's parents giving a tearful speech about how they're so happy to have Kim in thier family and that they've been praying for a girl like her for Andrew (her future husband). It just seems like a dream to me, and I hope it will come true someday.

But lets just let dreams be dreams for tonight. I finally get to rest after like 24 straight hours of catering to Kim and her needs. But then tomorrow will come soon enough and the big day will be here!

New York, New York!

2005-07-18T21:56:00.000-04:00

You know what kind of bothers me? I was standing in line today at the grocery store buying a bunch of flowers. I had put my flowers on the conveyer belt, and as soon as I did that, the man behind me put one of those seperaters on it. I mean I thought I had put down my flowers far enough so that the cashier could distinguish the seperation. But then someone else put their stuff behind him and he immediatly did the same thing. I mean it was like he was paranoid of other people's stuff touching his stuff. Get over it dude! Seperators are for wusses.

Yay for shark week!

I'm off to do some shoppin tomorrow in the beautiful city of New York, NY. I'm leavin 5 am and comin back around 9 pm. It's gonna be intense!

happy smiles

2005-07-18T01:36:00.000-04:00

So Jacob and I talked like 4 times today. I believe that I am utterly in love and there's nothing I can do about it. Oh well.

I helped lead a life night tonight. It was awesome, good feelings slushing around inside of me. Andy classified me as a summer Core member. That's an honor to be even considered a Core member. A Core member is a group of young adults who help out at the life nights. I really don't think I deserve this title because Core group members are so awesome. I've always looked up to the Core team because they dedicate so much of their time and effort to helping out the younger teens and leading them closer to Christ. Mad props for Core group.

I watched two amazing movies this weekend. Oh Brother Where Art Thou was playing last night. It was hella funny! I always thought it was some drama about escaped slaves or something. But if you ever get the chance to watch it, do it! It's full of comedy and irony, you'd be a fool if you didn't like it. The other great, amazing, fantasticly awesome movie I saw was The Lion King. Yes you read right, The Lion King. I don't know if you know this, but I was a Lion King fanatic. I had the collectors cards, the little toys that Burger King gave away, and the cd too! Needless to say when I watched it today I instantly remembered all the songs. Oh the memories!

I'm currently listening to Michelle Branch's "Breathe". It's one of those pop songs that just put you in the best mood. Like I can totally see myself in this music video belting my lungs out while its raining or snowing, or I'm in a room flooded with butterflies or something strange and artistic like that.

I'm just having an overall, pretty awesome day filled with everything simple and good in my life.

yaayyyy

2005-07-14T16:11:00.000-04:00

Kimberly's wedding is in like a week! I'm soo stoked! Rehersal and rehersal dinner is on Friday, and the wedding is on saturday. I'm so excited! I can't even imagine how she is feeling right now if I'm like freaking out right now and I'm not even the one getting married! I'm just a bridesmaid, but I can't wait! Last time I was in a wedding was like ten years ago as a flower girl. I was a flower girl for like 4 weddings back in my day, but I'm not sure if I'd be to stoked to be like 4 bridesmaids because even though its so much fun, it's pretty pricey!

I stepped in an ant pile today and my foot is swollen to an ugly pudgy mini-big foot size.

very (not) sexy

2005-07-13T21:17:00.000-04:00

It really blows when you accidently zap-a-gap your fingers together. For those non-architecture students at the GT Arch Studio, zap-a-gap is a CA+ compound that used to be used in surgical procedures to, well, zap-gaps. It actually says on the bottom of the label: Caution, will bond skin and eyes on contact within seconds. So yeah, screaming doesn't help un-zap your fingers away.

Why does every car manufacturer offer their "special" employee discount? It really isn't special since every car dealership is screaming that same offer.

So I really havn't talked to Jacob in like a week. We keep missing each others calls. Touch of bad luck I guess. He's in the field until Friday, so hopefully I can talk to him then.

I've been sneezing for the past hour and a half. Runny nose, itchy eyes, swollen face, not like my face isn't already round enough. Needless to say, I don't feel very sexy right now.

IkeaAHHHHH

2005-07-11T00:47:00.000-04:00

Woah so I spent all day Saturday at Ikea with my family. Like a complete 5 hours there. It was crazy let me tell you! Being there really makes you wanna get an apartment and a couple thousand dollars to fill it up with. Everything there is hella cheap! My mom accidently bought like 5 mouse pads thinking they were pot holders. I got some new sheets and an friggin awesome palm tree. Its tiny, I gotta find a name for it, and I say that in the least crazy way possible. I mean I'm usually not this excited about home furnishings, but going to this store will make anyone crazy for that.
After church today I ate at Partners Pizza with some good friends. One girl ordered a non-alcoholic beer when another friend tasted it. He was like "wow, this non-alocholic beer tastes just like the real stuff i gotta get me some of that!" and he got his and we were looking at the bottle when Allison was like, you know what? Nowhere on this label says its non-alcoholic. And Danny looked at it and said, Look! There's a surgeon generals warning on it! That got us to suspect that it was a non-non-alcoholic beer. I looked at the labels too and I noticed that one said amber larger and the other said pale ale, then we put all the puzzle peices together and realized that they accidently served two underaged kids beer. Boy was that waitress in trouble. Afterwards we forged the storm and came to my house to watch "Wet Hot Summer" not as bad as the title sounds. It was really funny though, kind of like a raunchy "Fat Camp" meets "Salute Your Shorts" kind of movie.
I talked to Jacob yesterday on the phone while he was on his way back to Ft. Polk. I got to talk to Jordan, his friend, and he told me that him and Jacob were talking about us and why he loved me. He said that Jacob said that he loved me because I was annoying.
I guess somebody other than your mother has got to love your faults, and when you find that somebody, you better hold on to them tight.

nothing beats

2005-07-08T14:19:00.000-04:00

nothing beats falling asleep on a courdoroy couch and waking up with lines on your face
nothing beats knowing that you are not a freak like Britney Spears
nothing beats fitting into an old pair of jeans you thought you lost
nothing beats mexican food with good friends
and nothing beats the great feeling that you have after you see someone you care about
nothing beats the butterflies in your stomach at that exact moment
even though goodbyes are always sad,
it lets you know that you've got an amazing hello to look foward to.
I didn't cry this time we said goodbye,
not as much really.
As he held me last night on the cool summer lawn,
I felt at home,
I didn't want to let go.
As he started to walk towards his car,
I wanted to run back to him and hold him again,
but I let him go this time.
I'll see him when I see him.

fart filled day

2005-07-07T15:16:00.000-04:00

I spent all day today with Jacob. After church in the morning I drove over to his house. I took a quick nap while he finished watching a movie. We then drove to Colombus, GA near Ft. Benning so he could run some errands like buying gun cleaner tools and getting his hair cut. I love his hair right now, he has his fohawk back just like when I first met him. Looks good too! We visited the base where he did his Basic Training. From there we drove back to Griffin where we hung out at his house until we went to his church. I got to meet all of the people at the church where his dad is a pastor at. It was really nice. I got to meet Nanna, that was interesting. Nanna is like Jacob's self adopted grandmother who is really out spoken and protective of her self adopted grandson. Jacob warned me that she might not like me because I was his girlfriend, but everything went alright. She was really funny. She was commenting on how good Jacob's hair looked, she said "it looks good, because you're getting some...HAIR that is! I hope you're not getting some of anything else!" It was really funny. After a while there we went to go eat at El Charro, his favorite Mexican resturant and then we went back to his house and hung out and watched a movie. It wasn't an extravagant day of events, but it was an extragavent day. It was really nice to be able to hang out with Jacob on a daily basis these past couple of weeks. It something other people take for granted I feel. Jacob might come over tonight if he finds a car, but I doubt he will, but if he doesn't, I won't be able to see him until Christmas. I'm alright with that I guess, I mean, its worth the wait for the one you love. And I do, and I will. For the past semester I've been looking foward to these two weeks because I knew I would be able to see Jacob more than I ever have since we've been dating. Man how these two weeks flew by so fast. I really wish I could hold on to them longer, I wish I could hold on to him for a couple more days, but that's a luxury that we can't have. I really hope these next couple of months fly by as fast as these two weeks did. And I hope that year that he is overseas in afghanistan and the next two years he's still in the army will fly by just as fast. I'll miss him so terribly much. Jacob if you're reading this: Thank you for making the most of the time that we have together. I love you.

doing nothing

2005-07-04T14:54:00.000-04:00

Woah its been an awesome past couple of days. Today I had a BBQ at my house and it was also Danny's surprise birthday party. Too bad he showed up like 2 hours late because he had to work but he said he was surprised and he had the best birthday cake ever made. Laura and I made it from scratch earlier that day. We had lots of red, green, and blue food coloring so we made the cake pink and decorated it as a golf course in honor or Danny's favorite pastime. It was rediculously hot outside so everyone basically stayed indoors while poor Jacob was outside grilling for everyone in the heat. After Sophie almost burned down our house with flaming brownies we headed over to the lake to watch the fireworks. We wanted to sit on Hwy 54 on the bridge because that was the best spot. We finally found a spot on the other side of the bridge with a perfect view. It was the best Fourth of July that I've had in a long time. I wish I could have sat there forever with Jacob holding me, kissing my forehead while the night lit up with bursts of light and sound. My favorite firework is where it is all golden and bursts into thousands of pieces of light, then when you think its about to fade out, all the peices explode again like thousands of camera flashes. How I wish I could sit there with Jacob and all my good friends forever. On a cool summer night with nothing to do but nothing.

moment of the day

2005-07-03T23:05:00.000-04:00

So we were all sitting in the van today and my dad and the smallest nephew were going back and forth at each other. My dad finally came up with the insult "well, you're just a trash can" (the little one's nickname) and he said in reply, "well I'm a trash can that talks!"
He just sat there and grinned.
"1-0, my point" said the little one.
Kids are so intelligent these days.

fireflies in my eyes

2005-07-02T23:20:00.000-04:00

So tonight I went out with my three little cousins on the golf cart. It was getting to be eveningtime and the sun was setting pink and the fireflies were out. The little boys were having a hard time seeing the fireflies, they had never seen one before. I told them that once you spot one light, then you can't help but see all the others. I finally stopped the golf cart near one that I saw light up and waited for it to light up again. He finally saw it and after that he couldn't help but point out all the fireflies along the path the rest of the way home. One of the brothers had those light up shoes that flashed tiny red lights. It was cool to see the lights light up under his feet as he jumped to catch the flying lights above his head. We stopped by my house to get a jar and off we went to catch some fireflies. They all had to stand really still until they saw a flash of light, then they had to walk slowly towards it until it flashed again and they could catch it on their tiny hands. They were soo excited evertime they caught one in their hands. "Aunt Stephanie! Aunt Stephanie! here here I caught one!". We finally caught a couple and went back home.
It's been a long time since I've taken the time out of my schedule to stop and pay attention to this phenomenon of flying lights. Think about it, no wires, no bulbs, no fuse boxes just small sparks of chemical reactions in a living creature flying through the air. But to kids its something magical, to them it's flying drops of fire.I wish I could see flying drops of fire, but all I see are bugs in the dark. What a shame.

Yays and nays for Hotlanta today:

2005-07-01T01:55:00.000-04:00

Yay for fun times with my friends Danny, Sophie, and Laura
Yay for spending time with Jacob.
Nay for waiting on Danny for half an hour while he was in the shower
Yay for cooking dinner at Sophie's
Nay for not having milk
Yay for watermelon
Nay for Laura masacaring the watermelon
Yay for Jacob cooking yummy chicken!
Yay for Laura choking on her drink
Nay for uncreateive dessert
Yay for going to Piedmont Park!
Nay for being late, bad parking spot, hella long walk
Yay for Grease, even though no one really watched it
Yay for cool summer breezes
Nay for ice cream being melted
Yay for spoon surprises in your ice cream
Yay for soft kisses on the forehead
Yay for sharing a random summer night with great friends